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Return to main Housewife Awards page Our 2007-2009 winners are: Lauren Hale - 12/21/2009 Heather Sanson - 12/7/2009 Michelle Chapman - 11/23/2009 Dawn Sandomeno - 11/9/2009 Jenette Scott - 10/26/2009 Alane Michels - 10/12/2009 Marlena Braun - 9/29/2009 Kimberly Spenninck - 9/8/2009 Chelsea Graun - 8/31/2009 Kathryn Archer - 8/17/2009 Carrie Brink - 7/26/2009 Cindy Copple - 7/5/2009 Vicki Vaught - 6/1/2009 Mary Freundl - 5/11/2009 Stephanie Bryant - 4/20/2009 Kelly Overend - 4/6/2009 Mary Rosenthol - 3/23/2009 Melissa Peavler - 3/7/2009 Lisa Perry - 2/17/2009 Holly Prees - 1/27/2009 Amy White - 1/6/2009 Andrea Messer - 12/23/2008 Allison Layton - 12/8/2008 Erin Beaty - 11/24/2008 Janna Qualman - 11/10/2008 Amy DeSario - 10/27/2008 Bonnie Arriola - 10/13/2008 Claudette Kraus - 9/29/2008 Monica Spilis - 9/15/2008 Raluca Ploog - 9/1/2008 Patricia MacDonald - 8/18/2008 Michelle Simms - 8/4/2008 Jamie Starr - 7/28/2008 Annie Lawson - 7/28/2008 Jennifer Lambert - 7/7/2008 Lauren Shaw - 6/23/2008 Sharon DeVellis - 6/9/2008 Jenna Kagan - 5/26/2008 Kristina Jackson - 5/12/2008 Sue Wagner - 4/28/2008 Rebecca Bailey - 4/14/2008 Marlena Braun - 3/31/2008 Ronique Turner-Winston - 3/17/2008 Alexis Allsman - 3/3/2008 Shelley Baty - 2/18/2008 Jenny Ingram - 2/4/2008 Karen Vogel - 1/21/2008 Deborah Gardner - 1/7/2008 Leandra Livesay - 12/24/2007 Marlena Braun - 12/10/2007 Whitney Cofer - 11/26/2007 Virginia Scruton - 11/12/2007 Daisy Wilson - 10/29/2007 Kellie Pease - 10/15/2007 Trisha Harrer - 9/30/2007 Shirley Carlisle - 9/9/2007 Annette Dixon - 8/19/2007 Carrie Brink - 7/29/2007 Cindy Copple - 6/24/2007 Jennifer Divito - 5/27/2007 Rebecca Horvath - 5/13/2007 Kim Patterson - 4/29/2007 Ashley Wiswell - 4/8/2007 Brooke Vossler - 3/25/2007 Kristine Watson - 3/4/2007 Rebecca Mauk - 2/18/2007 Stephanie Savoie - 2/4/2007 Meredith Craig - 1/21/2007 Sharonda Penn - 1/7/2007 2 OUR LATEST WINNER Lauren Hale of Athens, Georgia Lauren needs some churching up. Lauren is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® because of her Drop Off Daddy, Pick Up Prayers. Lauren's husband woke up one Sunday morning with throbbing, debilitating, searing-to-the-bone pain, all because of a little tooth. His abscessed tooth was too much to bear. So, Lauren raced around the house, packing up the kids, ages 21 months, 3 years and 5 years, and drove to the ER to drop Daddy off. In all the chaos, Lauren had given up on plans to go to church. But as she drove home from the hospital, the kids' bickering made her blood pressure rise. Should she find her own remedy at the ER? No, Lauren knew she needing some churching up. So, she sped up, raced home and ran inside, grabbing complete church outfits for all three kids and herself in five minutes flat. Then she dashed back out to the car and tossed the clothes to her kids. She and the older kids changed clothes in the driveway. She even changed the toddler while he was still in his car seat. With two minutes to spare, she arrived at church with her brood, all in their Sunday Best. As she plopped down in the pew to listen to the service, she exhaled. she needed her peace, and she got it. Thank God. You're a good mom, Lauren. You get a copy of Christine Carr's Mother Daze: Tales from the Imperfect Playground plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Heather Sanson of Carver, Massachusetts Is that a spider on your collar, Heather? Heather is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® because of her Great Christmas Tree Debacle. Somehow, Heather and her family managed to buy their Christmas tree between dinner at Heather's parents house and her daughter's chorus concert. After dinner, but before the concert, Heather moved the chair out of the tree's way and got the tree stand and ornaments out, so they would be ready to decorate it. By the time she and the kids returned from the concert, her husband had put the tree in the stand. Only, no one could find the tree lights. While they were searching, Heather's 16-year-old daughter discovered that the tree was infested with spiders. So she found a bug spray that is safe for indoor use and, according to Heather, "pretty much soaks the tree." Only then did she read the fine print on the bottle warning not to get the bug spray on your skin. Heather asks, "Yeah.....how does one not get it on yourself when you are hanging things on the branches?" Lots of washing hands? A Hazmat suit? They finally found the lights and started testing and untangling them. Heather put the first strand of lights on the tree and then plugged in the second, which promptly caused the first strand of lights to go out. While Heather was trying to figure out what happened to the lights, her husband asked, "Why is the rug wet?" Heather found out soon enough. She reports: "The effing tree stand has a crack in it and all the water drained out and into the rug." So, her husband got out the shop vac out and started to soak up the water while Heather searched for the backup tree stand she'd bought two years ago, half-off after Christmas. She remembers, "So I finally get the chemical-doused tree into the second stand, pull off the defective lights and start with the new ones...which mysteriously tied themselves into knots while we were otherwise occupied. I swear we had untangled them all before! So finally, finallllly, we get the tree decorated and the little kids to bed at 9pm." In the middle of the night, her dog, who had been spending her nights on the porch having been sprayed by a skunk, woke Heather up with plenty of barking. So Heather caved in and brought the dog inside by her lead, sprayed her with Febreze and closed the sliding door, as she says, "Right. on. the. lead." So now the lead was stuck in the door, which Heather couldn't open. Heather said, "The top part is closed, the bottom part, where the lead/metal cable is, is open a bit, and I have a dog lead halfway in the house and half out...and it's about 20 degrees outside." So Heather fought with the door until she gave up completely and went to bed. The next morning, the entire house reeked of skunk, but at least the spiders were dead and the tree was alive. Merry Christmas? You're a good mom, Heather. You get Dirt is Good for You: True Stories of Surviving Parenthood from the editors of Babble.com, plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Michelle Chapman of Somerville, South Carolina Michelle needs to bake more pies. Michelle is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® because of her Sleepover Pie. Michelle should have asked herself this question earlier: "What do you get when you have six kids four and under having a sleepover, a blueberry pie, strawberry jelly, moon sand, and chocolate syrup?" Because now she knows. It started as a fabulous idea: All the kids who were over for a Fourth of July party would stay the night. Please, Mom? Can they? "Why, sure they can," Michelle said when she was all still warm and fuzzy with holiday celebration. Sure they can. Everything went fine until the next morning at seven, when Michelle awoke to a ruckus downstairs. That's when she discovered the "art" plastered on four walls and the carpets in the living room and dining room. The medium? The aforementioned blueberry pie, strawberry jelly, moon sand, and chocolate syrup. As Michelle said, "That was the last time we let our daughter have a sleepover." Also, pie. You're a good mom, Michelle. You get Beth Feldman's See Mom Run: Sidesplitting Essays by the World's Most Harried Blogging Moms -- with an essay by MommaSaid's Jen Singer -- plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Dawn Sandomeno of Basking Ridge, New Jersey Dawn and her family taking a break from kazoo lessons. Dawn is our latest Housewife Award® winner for her Music(ally Challenged) Appreciation Day. Here's why, in her own words: "I don't volunteer enough at school and feel guilty about this a lot, so when the note came from the teacher I sprang into action. It seems Music Appreciation day was fast approaching and our class did not have a volunteer. I'm a musically challenged person who can't carry a tune to save my life. I made this clear to the teacher and she said she needed me anyway. "The day arrived, I planned a fun musical activity for the kids and was feeling pretty good. I arrived at my son's class door to find the lights off. The class aid then ushered me to the auditorium, backstage (blood started to rush to my head and my heart beat accelerated) as I explained to her that I was not a musical mom, I thought I was here because no one else volunteered and was just planning a cute activity. "She kept me moving and introduced me to the mom who was up next. The women showed me her Chinese harp (it took 2 people to carry it into the building) and explained how she was an accomplished harpist who was going to play a song that fisherman in China had been playing for thousands of years (feeling sick now). "Well she played and all I will say is it was mesmerizing as her fingers moved quickly and skillful up and down the harp making beautiful music. She finished, it was my turn and there was no escaping! That day I stood in front of the 2nd grade class at Mt. Prospect Elementary and spoke about the KAZOO! "I then handed out a bunch and led the assembly of kids through rounds of 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat.' Most of the cheap instruments that I picked up at Party City broke before the song ended and we stopped several times as the kids called out for new ones (which I did not have). "Needless to say, I have not received any further invitations to speak or volunteer for my any of my sons' classes. I guess the pressure is off and I can just try and keep up with laundry and ice hockey schedules!" You're a good mom, Dawn. You get Ayelet Waldman's Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace (which is no commentary on you or your kazoo), plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Jenette Scott of West Jordan, Utah Jenette is done pulling kittens off the curtains for the day. Jenette is our latest Housewife Award® winner for her Crazed Kitties on Candy. Jenette's eight-year-old son spilled a bunch of Smarties on the floor and walked away. It's the very thing that Jenette is constantly after her kids about. "Pick up after yourselves," she says. "Don't leave a mess." Yet, there were the Smarties all over the floor. All those shiny little candies right there at nose level for Jenette's two nine-week-old kittens -- kittens who can eat faster than Jenette can grab a broom. They gobbled down the candies before Jenette could clean them up. Turns out kittens + Smarties = chaos. Jenette reports, "I have never seen such a sugar high in my life! They were worse than my kids!" Soon, her kittens were climbing her drapes, the bookshelf and even the wall! Jenette ran around with the spray bottle, squirting her kittens and yelling "No!" until finally, the sugar high wore off. Jenette sat her kids down for what she calls the "30 billionth time" to remind them why they have to pick up their stuff, rather than leaving it lying around. She adds, "Sometimes I wonder if kids and pets are too much to handle in the same house!" You're a good mom, Janette. You get a copy of Samantha Ettus' The Experts' Guide to 100 Things Everyone Should Know How to Do , plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Alane Michels of Sprague, Washington Alane is out of flypaper. Alane is our latest Housewife Award® winner for her On the Fly Fiasco. When Alane heard one of her kids crying, she investigated only to discover that her children had pulled the (well used) flypaper down in their house. Her kids Eli and Sam were sticky in various places but Adah? Well, Alane reports that her daughter "had the tape stuck across her head, down the side of her face and neck, along her arm, and ending on her hand." Naturally, Adah was unhappy about her situation and she let everyone know it. Alane had no choice but to cut the flypaper out of Adah's hair and pull it off the rest of her in a scene perhaps reminiscent of The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Alane put got all three kids into the tub to get cleaned off, which involved butter, soap and plenty of misery for everyone involved, especially Adah, who not only hated getting flypaper stuck to her, but also hated getting her face wet. As Alane puts it: "So. Not. Fun." But eventually, the kids were clean, so Alane ran some new water into the tub so they could play for a while as she collapsed on the floor. And it wasn't even bedtime yet. You're a good mom, Alane. You get signed copies a copy of Elizabeth Beckwith's Raising the Perfect Child Through Guilt and Manipulation, plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Marlena Braun of Graben, Germany Marlena has no idea what's going on in the bathroom. Marlena is our latest Housewife Award® winner for her Feminine Protection Explosion. Here is her story, in her own words: "He was like a 2 year old ninja in the night. He snuck silently upstairs and into the bathroom. Shielded by the dark, he found them, ripped his way into the box, ripped off all the plastic, and for some reason spread them all in sources of water leaving my tampons of no use to anyone, with the exception of a two-year-old of course. "Toilet, sinks, bathtubs. This kid left no stone unturned and no tampon untouched. The scene of the crime literally looked like hundreds of marshmallows in the microwave with strings attached. After all that, he decided to throw them at the walls and eventually me and his sister. "I never wanted to see another tampon -- that is until 20 minutes later when my cycle decided to start, the one time I had no tampons in the whole house." You're a good mom, Marlena. You get signed copies of Jen Singer's copies of every one of Jen Singer's books: Stop Second Guessing Yourself -- The Toddler Years and Stop Second Guessing Yourself -- The Preschool Years, You're a Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren't So Bad Either) and 14 Hours Til Bedtime," plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Kimberly Spenninck of Lawrenceville, Georgia Kimberly managed to get the baby out of the car seat again! Kimberly is our latest Housewife Award® winner for her Car Seat Confusion. Kimberly was feeling all smug and proud of herself for getting her newborn to his first doctor's appointment, she says "a little on the early side and with minimal trauma." But soon, the fun ended. When she went to get her baby out of the car, she couldn't figure out how to get the darn car seat/infant carrier out. So, she asked another lady in the parking lot to help. Kimberly says: "She messed with the car seat for a few minutes and said that the seats had really changed since she had little ones." Kimberly was afraid of messing around with the seat's adjustment, because her husband had made such a big deal about the proper installation of the seat when he put it in three months before Baby was born. So she tried calling him at work and even had him paged (for, she says "the first and last time"), but he didn't call back until later. She confesses, "It finally occurred to me that I could take the baby out of the carrier." She did, arriving at the appointment late, of course. "I got a much-needed lesson in humility that has been repeated many times since that day." Ah, motherhood. Later, Hubby showed her how to pull the car seat of the car, and she never paged him again. You're a good mom, Kimberly. signed copies of Jen Singer's series, Stop Second Guessing Yourself -- The Toddler Years and Stop Second Guessing Yourself -- The Preschool Years , plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Chelsea Graun of New Haven, Connecticut Chelsea is out of bananas. Chelsea is our latest Housewife Award® winner for her Yes We Have No Bananas Lunch. Chelsea's seven-year-old really needed bananas with his lunch. "And why not?" asks Chelsea. "He had only eaten four" the day before. But her husband had snagged the last banana for his lunch at work. So she took her hungry seven-year-old and her three-month-old to the grocery store. Easy peasy, right? When they arrived at the store, she grabbed a hand-held scanner to use before she bagged her items, and set out into the produce aisle at the precise moment that her newborn got hungry (again). At no surprise to her, her 3 month old got hungry (again). So they headed over to the deli department where Chelsea figured she could feed her baby in one of the chairs, but they were all taken. Now her newborn was screaming, so she decided just to throw her bib on and nurse while pushing the cart and telling her older son what to put in the cart. Now that's multi-tasking. Soon, however, she started to feel warm liquid pour down her shirt. She assumed it was just milk, but that would be too easy. Too clean. Too uneventful. Rather, that warm feeling was her newborn's diaper leaking on her. So, Chelsea headed straight to the self checkout, figuring she'd check out quickly before anyone noticed she was covered in pee. She reports, "All I had to do was place the scanner in the holder and it would pull up my order, or so I thought." Instead of giving her the total of her order, the machine read, "Please wait for assistance." Chelsea needed assistance, alright. But not what she was about to get: a random audit of her scanned order. The sales clerk re-scanned a few items, punched in some buttons on her terminal -- and wound up losing Chelsea's entire order. So now Chelsea was holding her hungry and wet newborn while the sales clerk rescanned her order. Chelsea tried to put her newborn in his car seat, but he was having none of it. Just then the clerk said, "Your total is $27.33." Anxious to get the whole ordeal behind her, Chelsea reached into her purse, only to discover that her wallet was missing. Turns out, she'd left it in the stoller at home. She says, "Maybe some of us should write 'wallet' when making our shopping list." She cut her losses, left the store, changed the baby in the car and headed home without any bananas. That night, she sent Hubby to the store to buy some more. You're a good mom, Chelsea. You won an "It's 5 AM Somewhere" onesie, courtesy of Babble BabyWear, plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Kathryn Archer of Brighton, Colorado Must. Resist. Urge. To. Answer. The. Phone. Kathryn is our latest Housewife Award® winner for her Hell Breaks Loose Hello. Kathryn and her three children were having one of those rare, near perfect summer mornings, the kind you usually see only in baby lotion commercials. The kind where, Kathryn remembers, "the kids were playing nicely, snacks were eaten without a spill and the house didn't yet smell like poopy diapers." It just doesn't get better than that, does it? Kathryn was folding laundry while her three angels played when the phone rang. Kathryn admits now that she "should have known what was about to come," when she answered the phone, but there was this perfect morning of household bliss and the chance to talk to an actual grown-up. Go back, Kathryn! Turn away from the phone! Don't jinx it! But she could see on the caller ID that it was her best friend from college on the phone, and, she says, "I thought to myself Wow, they are playing so nicely. I will actually get to chat for a few minutes." Nooooo, Kathryn! For the love of God, go back to folding Batman underpants! Kathryn reports, "In the exact same instant that I said hello, a foul odor starting coming from my two-year-old, my 10-month-old started crying, and my six-year-old got 'bored.' Right in that instant!" Apparently, the six-year-old's boredom led to theft of the 2-year-old's toy, which kicked off a yelling and pushing match during which the baby got knocked over, which caused even louder crying. She says, "Before I knew it, toys were flying, all kids were crying, and my phone conversation was, well, dying." Kathryn tried to put her hand over the receiver and bribe her kids with cookies, but that just prompted an argument over who got the biggest cookie. Naturally. And then cookie crumbs scattered into every corner of the house. Kathryn, desperate for her child-free friend to believe she had control over her brood, tried to act cool, but, she says, "I don't think she fell for it." Soon, her old pal was making excuses, "Oh, I guess this was a bad time. I'll try you again later. Good-bye." And as soon as she hung up, the good time to call started up again. Says Kathryn: "And then, in a movie-like twist of fate, in the instant I hung up the phone, everyone went back to playing quietly. And so goes most every day of my life!" Well, that's what you get for jinxing your perfect summer morning by picking up the phone, Kathryn. Right? Carrie Brink of Fort Meade, Maryland Carrie is our latest Housewife Award™ winner (and a second-time winner) for her Let's-Go-To-Florida-to-(Not)-Rest-Plan. For some reason, Carrie thought she could get some rest in Florida. That's where her family's permanent home is located, where a little respite seemed likely. But Carrie forgot to factor the effects of the three of her four kids who came along for the 14-hour drive and the one-week stay, involving a little home renovation. Still, Carrie was determined to recuperate after a few health issues, so she set out for her "relaxing" trip, nonetheless. The ride down was blessedly uneventful, leaving Carrie to feel hopeful for her week off. But hopeful soon turned into harried when Carrie had to retrieve her nine-year-old and 15 large sea shells from the roof and a five-year-old from riding the garage door up and down. (He was quick to blame his brothers, who were not nearby, especially the one on the roof with the shells.) Then Carrie decided to single handedly renovate their bathroom top to bottom, ripping out the toilet, because, she says, "I'm crazy." Next she decided it would be fun to run some food over to the local animal shelter, where, naturally, her boys fell in love with a cat. After some "Can we keep her?" pleas, Carrie got smart. She told them that if no one adopted her after the (giant, sure-to-find-a-home-for-her) pet adoption fair the very next day, they could keep her. The next day, a half-hour before the end of the adoption fair, Carrie piled the kids in the car and returned to the cat's cage, and she was still there, looking all sad and sweet and adoptable. So, Sophie the cat went home -- 14 hours away -- with Carrie and her kids. As luck would have it, the cat, like Carrie, is a little crazy. You're a good mom, Carrie. You won Adam Keeble's Don't Put Baby In The Corner! A PG-Rated Guide To Parenting Advice Found In 1980s Movies, plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Cindy Copple of Coppell, Texas Cindy is our latest Housewife Award™ winner for her Check-Out Commotion. Cindy was having a long hot summer day with antsy kids underfoot. So she did what any desperate mother would do: She piled the kids in the car and took them to Wal-mart. Part change of scenery, part major shopping trip, Cindy figured she and her three kids, Alexandra, 11, Rebecca, 9, and John, 6, could at least stay cool while getting some groceries and such for the house. They started in the toy aisle to spend the kids' gift cards (or, as Cindy says, "bribe for enduring the shopping trip"). After losing all three kids several times, Cindy told them to concentrate on what they wanted from the sporting good section. (Cindy says it's a "much smaller space to lose them in.") Two kids made selections, but one was a hold-out. Cindy decided it was time to get supplies and groceries. When they were almost done shopping, she made the all-too-typical mistake that moms make at the end of an agonizingly long (for the kids) shopping trip: She stopped to talk to a friend. Soon, John asked for candy. Cindy said no. He asked for pop. She said no. He asked for gum, but this time, she said yes. She should have been more specific, because her six-year-old proceeded to climb on the checkout counter. Cindy pulled him off and then turned her head away to talk to my friend. She reports: "The next thing I knew, the checkout lady was interrupting me to tell me he was on the checkout counter riding the conveyor belt." And there he was, crawling against the belt, eyeing up the gum as he went by, unable to choose and unwilling to ask for help. As Cindy pulled him off again, her friend waved and said good-bye. Cindy says, "I bet she doesn't call anymore for her son to play with John." It turns out that, not only had John been climbing on the checkout counter, Rebecca admitted that she was the one who started the conveyor belt. It was like The Little Rascals go to Wal-mart. Cindy says, "Poor Alexandra, the almost middle schooler gift card hold-out, was mortified. Why did he have to be her brother?" Cindy says: "If only he had made it to the sensor. They could have told us how much he would cost us before he left the house..." You're a good mom, Cindy. You won You've Been Sentenced an award-winning, hilarious word game that's perfect for Family Game Night, plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Vicki Vaught of Lafayette, Indiana Vicki is off pulling fishermen out of trees. Vicki is our latest Housewife Award™ winner for her Hooked on Maples moment. Vicki went outside to check on her kids, who were playing in the front yard. It had gotten quiet -- too quiet -- and, Vicki says, "with my two kids, that it's probably a good idea to go see what's going on." Outside, she found her daughter looking up a tree in the front yard. So, Vicki wandered over to her daughter to see what she was so interested in up the tree. That's when Vicki discovered her son, up the tree, on a ladder, with a fishing pole. And yet, their property doesn't border the ocean, a lake or even a pond. Vicki took a deep breath, and asked her son why he was up the tree with a fishing pole. "I'm trying to get the fishing lure out of the tree," he replied, nonchalantly. Apparently, he'd gone fishing in a yard wihtout water and caught a tree. Vicki says, "I didn't ask about the one that got away." You're a good mom, Vicki. You won a copy of Dawn Meehan's Because I Said So, plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Read more of Vicki's parenting adventures at her blog, Never a Dull Moment. Mary was nominated by her sister, Amy Ettawageshik. Thanks, Amy! Mary Freundl of Troy, Michigan There's a voice coming from the hole in your yard, Mary. Mary is our latest Housewife Award™ winner for her Oh "Holey" Night. Mary's husband, Tom, was working late one night, so Mary had all three kids underfoot all on her own. Mary's kindergartner, Nathan, was doing his homework, when he discovered he was out of glue. So Mary loaded all three tired kids into the car to drive them to Target for glue. (Tip from this seasoned mom: Chewed gum has glue-like properties and so does dried oatmeal.) But the trip to Target went well, and when they got back home, Nate finished gluing his project. Mary started to help Nate with the spelling for the project's accompanying paragraph when she noticed that her neighbor whom she hadn't met since moving to Troy three months early was outside. So she checked on Lily, 3, playing intently with her dolls in her room. Amy says that Lily looked up at Mary like "Leave me alone. I'm busy," she she let her be. Mary scooped up Declan, 15 months, and headed for the yard. Mary was chatting with her neighbor when Declan spotted a hole in the yard, ran over to it -- and fell in. Mary excused herself and dragged Declan out of the hole before returning to her conversation. Amy says: "Mary noticed Dec running back to -- you can guess where -- yup, the hole, and falling back into it." Mary dragged him out of the hold again, and apologized to her neighbor for interrupting. Apparently, that hole had magnetic properties that attracts toddlers, because Declan soon ended up in it once again, crying once again to be let out. And again, Mary dragged him out of the hole. Suddenly, Lily came outside with Nate just after her. Amy says: "Mary eyed them suspiciously. Why would Lily leave her precious dolls, and why was Nate leaving his homework?" Nate held a jump rope, which he began whipping around, narrowly missing his sister. Amy says that "Mary told Nate calmly, in her most convincing 'I'm not mad at my child. I'm just using a firm tone' voice, 'Nathan, go back inside and finish your homework'." But Nathan ignored her and ran over to shout at the neighbor, "HI!!!! I'm Nathan! Look what I can do!" And then he ran around in circles, quoting his times tables. Mary once again asked him to calm down and go inside, but he grabbed the jump rope again and began swinging it, whipping Lily in the head. Lily cried. Declan fell back in the hole. Declan cried. Mary said goodbye to her neighbor, scooped up Lily and Declan and headed back into the house with Nate chasing after her, shouting, "I hate homework! I'm never doing it again.......EVER!" And Mary's probably not talking to her neighbor again...EVER! Or maybe, she'll just hide in the hole in the yard. You're a good mom, Mary. You won a copy of Eric Ruhalter's hilarious book, The KidDictionary: A Book of Words Parents Need But Don't Have, plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Stephanie Bryant of Manhattan, Kansas Stephanie is wearing Eau de Burnt Fish. Stephanie is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® for her Deployed Durability. Stephanie is just trying to hold it all together. The mother of three kids, she says she's just trying to handle the Terrible Two's and the Terrible Sevens and Nines, often on her own. Stephanie's husband has been deployed with the armed forces three times so far, and his fourth 12-month-long tour starts soon. And it's hard on the entire family when Daddy's gone (most of all, Daddy). But Stephanie forges on. She says, "I wipe noses, rears, and pick up toys in one single bound." She carts her older kids to "every sport ever made," and lugs her toddler to all sorts of places. When she told her two-year-old, "We are going to get your hair cut and get something to eat," she says, "he thought I had flipped my lid." He started giggling and asked her, "Are we going to cut my hair with a sandwich?" Now that's multi-tasking. Stephanie says she knows she's doing a fine job when her family is proud that she didn't burn the dinner "this time." Just this week, she managed to burn fish. She explains, "I was trying a new way to fry them in olive oil with a little bit of flour. I thought it smelled awful! I reeked of burned fish! Funny thing is, when my husband came in, he said it smelled wonderful and asked were we having hamburgers! I wonder if my hamburgers smell like burned fish..." You're a good mom, Stephanie. You won a copy of Jen Singer's latest book, Stop Second-Guessing Yourself--The Toddler Years, plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Kelly Overend of Belleville, Michigan Got a cup, Kelly? [Warning: Pee ahead.] Kelly is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® for her Cup Catch. One day, Kelly noticed that her toddler's urine started to smell odd. So, she called the pediatrician, who advised her to bring her son in if the smell didn't go away or if it became worse. Ah, motherhood. So glamorous. In the meantime, Kelly and her family went on vacation to Florida. By then, her toddler seemed normal. Besides, her husband didn't think it warranted an extra trip to the doctor when his 18-month check-up was scheduled upon their return. At the doctor's visit, however, the pediatrician was unable to capture a clean urine sample from her son. So, Kelly was sent home with a bag and a cup. [See above re: glamour] Kelly admits, "I thought, yeah right. Like i'm going to get a bag on him at home?" So, the next morning Kelly declared "naked time" (for her toddler, not for her), and proceeded to follow her son around the house with a cup for two hours! Soon enough, Kelly's morning coffee hit her bladder, and it was time for her to use the potty herself. She dragged her naked toddler into the bathroom, just in case. Lucky for her, she brought the cup along. Just as she got down to business, her son started to pee. Kelly scrambled to grab the cup and her toddler, all while, er, still in business herself. Somehow, she managed to get a urine sample from him, which she turned into the doctor later. Kelly reports: "Turns out, the poor little guy had a UTI." And Kelly had quick reflexes. You're a good mom, Kelly. You won a copy of Jen Singer's latest book, Stop Second-Guessing Yourself--The Toddler Years, plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Mary Rosenthol of Westford, Massachusetts Mary still smells chocolate. Mary is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® for her Chocolate Bath Bonanza. Mary just wanted to go grocery shopping without an entourage -- and entourage that was suffering from ear infections. So she left her five- and three-year-old daughters with a babysitter and set off for the supermarket. While she was gone, the babysitter had the clever idea of making the girls' yucky-tasting Amoxicillin go down more smoothly with a squirt each of Hershey's Syrup, right into their mouths. As Mary Poppins sang, a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. Whether it was the sugar high or the earaches, the girls wound up awake much of the night. Exhausted from night duty, Mary didn't wake up with her girls at six the next morning. At seven, she walked down the basement stairs to hear giggling. Then she smelled something unusual, something sweet...something chocolatey. Both girls were sitting in the middle of the floor with a 40-count box of chocolate pudding cups and the bottle of Hershey's syrup -- buck naked. One was spreading the pudding on herself and the floor while the other was standing in a puddle of chocolate pudding and pouring the syrup down over her head. When she told her husband about the chocolatey incident, he said, "Do you think they're making an early career choice?" Mary reports that it took days to get the stains out of her carpet. It was months before she allowed pudding of any type into the house, and she installed a lock on the top of the sliding pantry door -- though now, they can open anything. Let's just hope they don't get the urge to pour. You're a good mom, Mary. You won a copy of Jen Singer's latest book, Stop Second-Guessing Yourself--The Toddler Years, plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Melissa Peavler of Shelbyville, Illinois Um, Melissa? Let's get this party started. Melissa is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® for her Birthday Party Delay. It was Melissa's son's first birthday, and there was going to be a party. Melissa had invited some 40 people to celebrate Baby's big day at a local pizzeria, where she'd planned to decorate for the festivities. Melissa thought it'd be nice to catch up with some former co-workers of hers, all of whom were let go last summer when the company folded, before the party. So, she invited them to drive an hour to her house before the party started so they could talk about what they were up to since the lay-offs. But Melissa and her pals were having such a wonderful time talking about grown-up things, they, uh, sorta forgot about the birthday party. I mean, they were busy talking about things that have nothing to do with rashes or diapers or diaper rashes! Who could blame her? Alarmed, they piled into cars and arrived at the pizzeria late. Nearly all of the 40 attendees were already there. And now, so was the birthday boy. Melissa and her friends frantically decorated the place with balloons, streamers, "Happy Birthday!" signs and such, and finally, the party began about 20 minutes late. Don't worry, Melissa. The baby can't tell time...yet. You're a good mom, Melissa. You won a copy of Annette Fix's The Break-Up Diet: A Memoir, plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Lisa Perry of Palmyra, New York Lisa, the plumber's here. Lisa is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® for her Truck Stop Toilet. Lisa's toilet was plugged, but she didn't worry. After all, it had been quite some time since her 17-month-old had thrown anything in it. Besides, she says, "We're pretty used to checking before we 'go'." But after a few days of plunging the potty it became clear that something wasn't quite right. So, Lisa called the plumber for a quick snake job. Except, it wasn't working. Neither was plunging or using any of the other tools he had. The toilet had to come off the floor. That's when they discovered it: a Tonka truck wedged perfectly in the base of the toilet. After the plumber warned, "If this doesn't come out you're going to need a new toilet," he managed to get the truck out -- though Lisa says, "Considering he got paid by the hour, it may have been cheaper to get the new toilet." What's next? Lisa says, "Off to buy one of those toilet locks that I always laughed at." You're a good mom, Lisa. You won a copy of René Syler's Good-Enough Mother: The Perfectly Imperfect Book of Parenting , plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Holly Prees of Chelmsford, Massachusetts Holly is about to clean Willie Nibble's cage. Holly is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® for her Guinea Pig Spill. Here's Holly's story, in her own words: "Wednesday morning was going well. My fifth grader remembered his trumpet. I remembered 100% fruit juice for my volunteer day at preschool, and the timing worked to drop my third grader off so he wouldn’t have to carry his George Washington display on the bus. Teeth were brushed (or tooth brushes wet), lunches packed. "With two minutes left, my eight-year-old somehow slipped while patting the guinea pig, pulling the cage over and spilling the contents… urine-soaked corn cob litter, Timothy hay, lettuce, Vita-vittles and a cascade of little brown cylindrical poop. "My first thought: I wish I had made them clean the cage yesterday. I used up the two minutes yelling, and then managed to have my little one hold Willie Nibbles while I cleaned the cage and my 8-year-old swept the floor. Still yelling, I vacuumed and raced everyone to the car. In the end, we were only five minutes late." You're a good mom, Holly. You win a copy of Joanne Palmer's Life in the 'Boat: How I Fell on Warren Miller's Skis, Cheated on My Hairdresser and Fought Off the Fat Fairy...True Tales from Ski Town, plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Amy White of League City, Texas Amy is not wearing yellow socks here. Amy is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® for her Only-a-Mom Monday. Amy had to dye some socks yellow and sew a Jedi cape, but first she had to get the giant millipede to school. Huh? Amy, the stay-at-home mom of two boys, had another ordinary day ahead of her last October when she had to pick up Milli the Giant Millepede at an animal care lab and drop it off at her son's kindergarten class, who'd be caring for the the big bug for the next week or two. In other words, she was the "gitter" for the "critter." (Must be a Texas thing. I dunno.) When she finished that task, she met her friend Bobbi at her house to work on sewing a cape for her son's Jedi Halloween costume. Amy says, "we found a good costume, but all the capes looked pretty cheap so I decided to make one." Only Amy can't sew all that well, so Bobbi offered to help out. Good thing, too, because then Amy could concentrate on making "Dandelion Yellow Soup." She was dying socks yellow for her five-year-old's Bumblebee (from the Transformers) costume. It seems that her son wouldn't wear the black socks that came with the costume. No, he insisted on wearing bright yellow socks just like the picture that came with the costume. But Amy couldn't find yellow socks (sans flowers) to fit a kindergartener, hence the sock soup made with Dandelion Yellow dye that she had to stir every 15 minutes. I understand completely, Amy. I once told a friend, "I have to go bake a cake so I can meet the mayor and get the key." And she understood what that meant. You're a good mom, Amy. You win a copy of Albert Clayton Gaulden's "You're Not Who You Think You Are: A Breakthrough Guide to Discovering the Authentic You," plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Andrea Messer of Jefferson, Georgia Andrea, do you smell paint? Andrea is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® for her Paint-it-Beige Appointment. Andrea had an appointment with a real estate agent to put her house on the market. Only, it was spring break, and all four of her kids -- and their dirt, and their clutter, and their ideas of fun -- were at home. The morning of the appointment, Andrea was busy sprucing up the house with some light brown paint to cover up the new sheetrock, which was covering the hole that her seven-year-old's monster truck had made. Soon, she noticed that one of her kids had tracked mud onto her carpet -- the one she'd just cleaned for the real estate agent. So Andrea put the paint pan and roller on her stovetop so her two-year-old couldn't get to it, and set off to scrub the carpet. Then, in what appears to be a reenactment of an old Little Rascals episode, Andrea turned around to find her toddler sitting on top of the stove. Her kid was covered in paint. Her stove was covered in paint. Her counters were covered in paint. How do you make that a selling point? "Freshly painted kitchen"? So Andrea cleaned up her toddler and the stove and the counters. Then she finished scrubbing the mud out of the carpet and straightening up the house. When the real estate agent arrived, she looked around at Andrea's house and said, "Wow! Your house is spotless, even with four kids in the house!" Nobody move. There's a paint roller at toddler level... You're a good mom, Andrea. You win a copy of Jennifer Melnick Carota's (The Gift Therapist) Shop Smart, Give More , plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Allison Layton of Fort Ashby, West Virginia Allison keeping an eye on her son this time -- and the phone. Allison is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® for her 9-1-1 Wha..? Allison was just trying to clean the house that she and her family had just moved into in Fort Ashby, West Virginia. So she vacuumed while her 18-month-old daughter played. When she looked up from sucking up Cheerios with the vacuum, she saw her toddler holding the phone. So, she took it away from her, and hung it up. Then she went back to vacuuming. She had no idea that her daughter had just hit the automatic dialer for 9-1-1, and she'd just hung up on the emergency dispatcher. While she was busy cleaning the crumbs out of the couch, the dispatcher called back, but Allison couldn't hear it over the vacuum. So, the dispatcher called the neighbor...the new neighbor who didn't really know Allison all that well. At the dispatcher's request, the neighbor went and knocked on Allison's door. Only, Allison couldn't hear it over the vacuum, and her toddler was busy making a mess where Allison had already cleaned. Finally, Allison's husband came home and heard the phone ringing. Finally, Allison turned off the vacuum and answered the phone, too, only to hear the dispatcher say she was about to send a state trooper out to their house. She said she'd heard the vacuuming and figured the call was just a mistake and not the Vacuuming Bandit on the loose, but she had to follow procedure by verifying there was no emergency, other than Allison's burgeoning case of repetitive vacuuming disorder. Naturally, Allison was mortified that one little push of one little button by one little finger could cause so many problem. So, she removed that phone from her toddler's reach and replaced it with a landline with no automatic dial buttons for emergency services, just in case. Meanwhile, the dispatcher was able to fill in the records on Allison's house with the relevant information needed in the event they really did need to call 9-1-1. And then Allison got back to vacuuming once again. You're a good mom, Allison. You win a copy of Anna Johnson's The Yummy Mummy Manifesto: Baby, Beauty, Balance, and Bliss , plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Erin Beaty of Jacksonville, Florida Erin is looking for a tire store. Erin is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® for her Tire Store Trek. Erin has five kids under eight and a husband who's often deployed with the navy. So, every day is an "adventure," to use a euphemism for "like herding cats to a dog show." By the time she'd taken all the kids to church and then a church picnic, some six hours had passed. Erin's youngest, an 18 month-old, had slept through the meal and showed no interest in the food Erin had saved for her. Good thing, too, because while Erin's back was turned, her 2 year old knocked the plate of food into the dusty mulch. Soon, her boys played what Erin calls a "suicidal game of jumping off everything they could find - bleachers, trees and tree stumps, a bridge over a ditch, railings, etc. But it kept them busy. When it was finally time to go home, Erin loaded everyone into her mini-van, only to find a small spring with two prongs stuck on one of the tires. She nudged it, but it fell out and air started whooshing out of her tire. She decided to dash to Wal-Mart to get the tire fixed right away. But the folks at Wal-Mart told her they didn't have the tire that she needed. So, Erin decided to try Sears at the mall. She says she passed some 10 tire places along the way, but kept her focus on getting to the mall, because the idea of entertaining five irritable kids in a crummy tire shop waiting room for an hour or longer wasn't all that appealing. The workers at Sears were really busy, so Erin and her brood sat in the waiting area for 20 minutes before the car was checked in. Meanwhile, the kids begged for snacks from the vending machine, for which Erin had no cash, having spent it all on raffle tickets at the picnic. Finally, they went to the mall, used the restroom, washed hands and had something to eat. Soon, she discovered that one of her kids -- one who's no longer in diapers -- had decided that he hadn't wanted to leave the playground and, uh, had an accident. So, Erin went to Sears to buy new underpants. While there, the tire center her to talk tires. Erin dragged all the kids back to the tire center, where they waited another 30 minutes for the salesman and Erin kept the kids off the toy display under the Christmas tree. Finally, Erin got to talk to the saleman, who said her tire was not in stock. Erin says, "Now, I'm usually pretty quick on the take, but after all I'd been through, all I could do was stare at him" while her two-year-old wreaked havoc on the car-freshener display. She looked at the clock: It was 5:30 p.m. On a Sunday. No doubt she'd never make it to Firestone at the other end of the mall before the store closed, let alone any of the 10 tire stores she had passed en route to the mall. She managed to ask, "So what exactly am I supposed to do now?" He replied, "Well, uh, we can, uh, put on the spare." She left to go pay for the underwear, let the kids touch everything under the Christmas tree and returned to get her car. She piled everyone into her mini-van and made her way home through ugly traffic and people honking at me because she says, "I'm not going over 35." When she got inside, it was past dinnertime, one kid was crying at the table and another on the kitchen floor wailing, a third was clinging to her legs and sobbing and the two oldest were bickering. The phone rang -- her navy man husband was calling from a port visit in England. He'd stayed up late to call her and tell her he'd gone to Stonehenge that day, and had plans to walk around London with a bunch of guys in the morning. Yes, but will he get to go to the tire store? Now that's an adventure. That night, as Erin tucked in her 4-year-old, she said "Mommy, today was so fun!" Erin replied, "Good, because we get to do it all over tomorrow." You're a good mom, Erin. You win a copy of Linda Wisniewski's Off Kilter," some other goodies, plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Read more of Erin's madcap adventures at her blog, The Rocket Scientist's Guide to Raising Kids. Janna Qualman of Missouri Janna, where's the face cream? Janna is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® for her Slapdash Sunday. Janna was late for church. She had yet to get her daughters, Natalie, then 3 and Emma, then 1 1/2, ready, not to mention herself. But Natalie was more interested in a jar of Vitamin E face cream than a new diaper. And just when Janna thought Emma was getting herself dressed, she realized that her daughter had instead decided to rearrange her Barbie tacklebox. (In case there's ever a "Barbie: Deadliest Catch"? I dunno. I have boys.) Janna says they made a "we-have-to-go-in-quickly-and-only-get-a-few-things-but-it-never-turns-out-quick stop at Wal-Mart," at which point she briefly lost Emma in the shoe department. When they finally arrived at church, all was going smoothly until communion when one of her off-spring stage-whispered, "Is that a snack for grown-ups?" Oh, Dear Lord. When the service was over, Janna reports, it only took four rounds of "get your stuff" to get the kids out the door. At lunch, Emma went AWOL again, this time to view the display of Happy Meal toys. When Janna rounded her back up, she ordered and grabbed a table. That's when Natalie escaped, says Janna, "to place her chubby, greasy hand on the shoulder of the woman lunching next to us." And yet it was still early in the day. You're a good mom, Janna. a copy of Gayle Trent's Murder Takes The Cake, plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Read more of Janna's madcap adventures at her blog, Something She Wrote. Amy DeSario of Rochester, New York Don't look under the coffee table, Amy. Amy is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® for her New Carpet Big Dig. Amy was just trying to make her house safer for her baby. Her carpet was falling apart, and she feared that her six-month-old, who was starting to crawl, might want to put some of the carpet's loose fibers in his mouth. It took Amy and her husband several hours of moving furniture and borrowing trucks to get the old rug out of their house and the new one home from Home Depot some 45 minutes away. Finally, though Amy had her new carpet. The next day, the baby had a poop blowout that required a major change upstairs. When Amy brought the baby back downstairs, she discovered that the dog had dug all over the brand new lugged-home-from-45-minutes-away carpet, pulling all the fibers loose and pretty much ruining it. Frustrated and exhausted, Amy yelled at the dog "What the heck were you thinking?" Which was apparently very, very funny to the baby, who laughed and laughed as though he was watching an episode of "The Three Stooges," instead of the slow unraveling of his exhausted mother. Then the phone rang. "How's the new carpet look?" her husband asked. "Great, I cleaned up the destruction and hid the part the dog ruined under the coffee table," Amy answered. "Okay, well...good," he said, confused. "Okay, then I'll see you when I get home," Amy replied and hung up. And then, the laughing stopped. You're a good mom, Amy. a copy of Tina Tessina's Money, Sex, and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage , plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Bonnie Arriola of Pataskala, Ohio Bonnie, a big fan of pretty panties no matter what her toddler says. Bonnie is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® for her Diaper-Changing Toddler. Bonnie just wants to potty train her third (and final) child. But Sage, 2, has her own ideas -- and they have nothing to do with the potty. Sage has no interest in pretty panties, and yet, says Bonnie, Sage is "totally ready to dive into taking off wiping up, and throwing away her own refuse." And for a two-year-old, she's pretty good at it. Well, sorta. Bonnie has had to clean up her toddler's accidents on her bed, the floor in her room, the floor in front of the living room window, under the computer desk in the family room, and in the linen closet where there was a "diarrhea incident" while Sage was trying to get to the Band Aids. I'm not sure I want to know what she was planning for the Band Aids. Anyhow, Bonnie says that neither of Sage's older brothers acted this way. For example, they never filled their diapers, took them off, cleaned themselves up and then ran around naked. And they never screamed "No!" at the sight of underpants, or picked a pair out, put them on for a few minutes and then took them off to run around naked some more. Bonnie says that the two months or so of her toddler's self-changing has been an exercise in sharing in the "fun of her independence." Too bad that Sage is the only one having fun. You're a good mom, Bonnie. a copy of Allison Winn Scotch's Time of My Life: A Novel (because Sage is having the time of her life), plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Claudette Kraus of Vienna, Virginia Claudette and her daughter, keeping their fingers to themselves Claudette is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® for her One-Fingered Hello. Claudette just needed to get out of the house. Her husband had been away and she was going stir crazy in the house with her kids, ages 5, 4, 2 and 4 months. So, she took them out for dinner -- at 3 p.m. She lucked out: All four kids behaved at the restaurant. In fact, they behaved so well that people were complimenting Claudette. Too bad not everyone behaved so nicely that afternoon. As Claudette left the restaurant with her brood, she started to push the double stroller off the curb when she heard tires squeal. Instinctively, she grabbed her older kids and stroller and pulled them back on the curb just as a BMW came flying around the corner. Shocked, Claudette mouthed "Slow down" at the car's driver, a fifty-something year-old man in a suit, while her kids ran for cover on the sidewalk. The driver returned her warning by flipping the bird at Claudette and her kids. Her children asked why the man was holding up his middle finger, so Claudette explained that he was in a hurry and was waving the wrong finger to ask them to wait a minute. Clever, Claudette. Let's hope your kids are never in a hurry. Her four-year-old rationalized that maybe the man had to poop really bad, so couldn't stop for them. Oh yeah. He was full of it, alright. Claudette watched the man park his car and go inside an office building. That's when she remembered they still had some stickers they'd brought with them to the restaurant, and figured it would be an equally kind gesture to decorate the nice man's car window with them. I mean, who doesn't feel special with Barney stickers? Claudette told her kids, "I bet it will make him smile when he comes out to his car." Her kids, of course, loved the idea. And frankly, so did Claudette. Sadly, she wasn't there to see if he was smiling when he came back to his car, but if she had, she'd have given him a one-finger hello, too. You're a good mom, Claudette. a copy of Kate Hanley's The Anywhere, Anytime Chill Guide: 77 Simple Strategies for Serenity, plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Monica Spilis of Frederick, Maryland Monica is smiling because her bra fits so well. Monica is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® for her Bra Fitting Fiasco. After two kids and a few extra pounds, Monica thought it would be a great time to take advantage of Nordstrom's bra fitting service. Only, how could she try on bras with two boys, Brandon, then 4, and Joe, just a baby, in tow? She could wait another few years until her kids are in school. Or she could devise a plan. Hubby works long hours as a steamfitter, so he wouldn't be able to watch the boys. So, she asked her father for help. Now there's something I'm sure that Dad never forsaw: Babysitting so his daughter could buy a bra. Monica met him at the mall and treated him to lunch. Then she asked him to walk Brandon around the mall while she took the baby to the bra fitting. But Baby Joe wanted nothing to do with sitting in the stroller nicely like babies in a Disney World commercials. So Monica let him out and gave him her cell phone, the wipes container, etc. to entertain him while she got fitted by a Nordstrom's professional bra fitter. While she was finding out she's been wearing the wrong-sized bra, little Joe decided to crawl under the stall into the other dressing room before she could grab him. Monica says, "I looked down and said, 'OH MY GOODNESS' and quickly grabbed one of his legs and pulled him back... all while maintaining some sort of dignity holding up the unhooked bra on my chest!" The lady in the adjoining stall probably didn't need the baby's help with her bra fitting, but she didn't say anything. Monica, meanwhile, counted the years until preschool starts for baby Joe. That's the next time she'll get new bras. You're a good mom, Monica. a copy of "If Women Ran the World, Sh*t Would Get Done: Celebrating All the Wonderful, plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Raluca Ploog of Whittier, California Raluca and her little monkey. Raluca is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® because of her Potty Training Monkey Business. Raluca just wants to get her two-and-a-half year-old, Landon, potty trained. Sadly, he doesn't feel the same way. After her husband put some stuffed monkeys with Vecro hands on their ceiling fan to entertain Landon and his little brother, Raluca noticed that Landon might need to use the facilities. So, like any good potty training mom, she asked, "Landon, is your body telling you to go potty?" He replied, "No, my body is telling me to go see the monkeys." And it's hard to compete with monkeys when you're trying to sell a toddler on sitting on the potty. Yet, not much else has worked. Raluca has tried the sticker chart, various rewards including peanut M&Ms, sitting Landon on the potty every 20 minutes or so, and more, but he still won't potty when he has to go. Raluca wonders if he's just having too much fun playing. Just ask the monkeys, Raluca. She does start up the fan with the monkeys on it, after all. She reports, "It's great for a good laugh." And so is this story. You're a good mom, Raluca. You win a a 24 x 365 T-shirt courtesy of Mom Works, plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Patricia MacDonald of Valdez, Alaska Patricia is hiding in the woods. Patricia is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® because of her Survivor Mom Bolt. Patricia's got enough to do to keep five kids ranging in age from 22 months to 14 years busy in a small town in Alaska. She has to be pretty clever to find all of her my children and their friends in activities they think are fun. With summer here, Patricia's been acting like a cross between a cruise ship activity director and a day care director. This summer, Patricia took all of her kids plus three nieces, ages 11, 9 & 2, out for a walk along nearby Mineral Creek to play in the sand and water. The kids were having a great time burying each other in the sand and splashing in the pools of water along the creek bed when out of nowhere a black bear charged them. Like any good Alaskan, Patricia knew what to do. She knew all about how to be "Bear Safe." Not only did she keep her cell phone handy, but she also carried bear pepper spray, which is a super strong spray designed to temporarily disable a bear until you can get to safety. Patricia also knew to make a lot of loud noice, stand together in a circle and not run. Only, that's not what Patricia did. Instead, she ran like hell. While calling 911, she rounded up all eight kids who ran into the woods with her, hoping to get help at the homes on the other side of the thicket. So much for Survivor Mom. Explains Patricia, "All the bear training in the world doesn't prepare you for having a black bear charging at your children, and I panicked!" Thankfully help soon arrived. Other than cuts from the thorns and a lot of tears, the entire group was fine. The kids love telling the story now, and they can't wait to share their, "What I did this summer", with friends at school. Patricia, on the other hand, is reviewing her "Bear Safety" policies. You're a good mom, Patricia. You win a copy of Jane Green's "The Beach House," a matching beach towel and beach bag filled with upscale sunscreen products by Lancaster, plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Michelle Simms of Southlake, Texas I wish I will always remember the Pull-Ups. Michelle is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® because of her Cucumber Blunder. Michelle and husband thought it would be tons of fun to go to the local natural foods market for a deli dinner. Perpetually late, Michelle rushed her two year old into the car to meet Daddy at the market, where they perused the mysterious organic and vegetarian delicacies in the deli case. Meanwhile her daughter checked out the rare and exotic vegetables in the produce stands next to Mommy and Daddy. From a side glance, Michelle witnessed her toddler's perplexed expression and her chubby hand reaching for an unusually bright green cucumber. Luckily, Michelle grabbed her daughter's hand just before she picked up what she soon realized was a piece of poop -- canine, she assumed. So, Michelle marched over to the nearby store manager and ranted about the dangers of e-coli and wondered how such a fine establishment could allow an untrained dog to roam free, depositing waste in the middle of a food market. While she's chewing out the manager, Michelle spots out of the corner of her eye two produce clerks bent over laughing. She gulped and looked over at her husband who was giving her the "Ooh no you didn't!' look as he pulled back the waistband of their toddler's jeans to reveal that Michelle had completely forgotten to put her in a Pull-up! Says Michelle: "Sure enough, there was a slithery trail down her leg and on her shoe, further proving she was the only pooper, no canine in sight!" And the bright green super cucumber color? Michelle realized that the bright blue frosted cookie her Uncle Greg had given her the night before turned her fecal matter a flourescent green. Butt, er, but, Michelle asks, "How was I to know something so big could come out of my daughter's bottom - I had only seen it smooshed into a diaper before this!" And hopefully, ever since. You're a good mom, Michelle. You win a line of clinically tested cosmeceutical treatment products with proven results from Sera Anti Aging and a copy of Charla Krupp's "How Not to Look Old," plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Annie Lawson of Tuscaloosa, Alabama Got your keys, Annie? [Warning: A whole lotta poop ahead] Annie is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® because of her No S*#), Sure Lock Moment. Annie was three blocks from home when her son blurted, "I gotta go poo!" Annie told him to hold on. They'd be home in a few minutes. Oh, but it wasn't just poo. It was the kind of stuff songs have been written about where children make farting noises between verses. With the car in high gear, Annie prayed for no speeding tickets. At home, her son dashed to the bathroom. Phew! They made it! Pleased with her Indy 500 driving and quick thinking, Annie started to unload her groceries. Soon though, her son shouted, "Mom! I need you!" On auto-pilot, Annie locked the car and went back into the house. What did he need? Toilet paper, which was in the trunk of her car. She went back outside, only to discover she had inadvertently left her keys on the front seat and then LOCKED the car. Suddenly, everything went in slow motion as Annie turned around to see her son coming outside. "Noooooo. Don't. Close. The. Door," she yelled, but it was too late. Annie was locked out of her car and now the house, too. She spent the next 20 minutes prying open her office window with a tiny spade. Annie says she learned an important lesson that day: Paper towels work just as well. You're a good mom, Annie. You win a Nintendo DS Lite and Nintendo DS Lites and Crosswords DS, plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Jaimee Starr of Springfield, Ohio Jaimee's in the loo. Jaimee is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® because of her Honey-Would-You-Pick-Up Moment. Jaimee had strep throat. All three of Jaimee's sons had strep throat. As if that wasn't enough, one of her sons was also constipated. Oh, poo. But Jaimee soldiered on. That night, her husband was supposed to play cards with his buddies, a rare occasion for the busy dad of three. Without him, the group would have needed to cancel. So, Jaimee insisted that her honey go and have fun. Go on now. Really. Though her throat burned and her kids were needy, Jamiee tried hard to be the self sufficient, sweet wife. But all that changed once Hubby was out the door. Jaimee's son soon got himself stuck on the potty, trying desperately to, er, let the train out of the station, but to no avail. He tried and tried and tried and tried until he was exhausted and still constipated. So Jaimee had to call her hubby home from his card game. Only, Hubby had been driven to the game by a buddy. So, he had to ask his friend -- in front of all his poker pals -- to bring him to the store to buy suppositories before driving him home. It's the kind of story men love to tell over and over for years to come. It's the story about the night his son was full of it. Lucky guy. In the end (pun entirely intended), Jaimee's son was trapped on the toilet for 35 minutes. He even had the seat imprint on his hiney. Jaimee says, "My shiny moment of trying to be a good wife to my husband literally went down the tubes that night." Ah, but you tried. You're a good mom, Jaimee. You win a Nintendo DS Lite and Nintendo DS Lites and Crosswords DS, which I highly recommend that you share with Hubby, because he's a good dad, indeed. Also, you get a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Jennifer Lambert of Stamford, Connecticut Stick to the regular poems, Jennifer. Jennifer is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® because of her Gaseous Lack of Parental Judgment. The story is best told by Jennifer herself, from her blog, Manager Mom: (Reprinted with permission) From The Department of "What The Hell Was I Thinking" Last night's bedtime started out normally. After a dozen or so requests to the kids at increasing volume levels) to start getting ready for bed, they finally got moving. They schlumphed their way over to the stairs; crabbed the whole way up; bitched and moaned while putting on their pajamas; and complained during teeth brushing, which caused them to spray liquified toothpaste foam all over the freshly cleaning-ladied bathroom vanity. In the middle of all of the complaining, we hear a "frapppffft" noise. Manager Dad: "Boy, did you just have gas?" The Boy: teeheeheehee The Girl: hohohahaha Me (to myself): Hey, this is my chance to be Fun Mom for a change! And so inspired by a weekend visit from my dad, I blurted out a rhyme that he used to recite to me when I was a kid. It goes a little something like this: "A burp is a message from the heart. If it comes out the other end, it's called a fart." I realized mid-sentence that putting this out there was probably a really bad idea. It was like a party scene in a teen sex comedy where someone says something embarassing on the dance floor, and you hear that record needle scratching sound followed by dead silence while the crowd all looks at the speaker with a “Who is that frigging loser moron?” kind of vibe. The kids stared at me like I had sprouted a third eyeball, and then started screaming with laughter. And the same kids who have selective hearing and zero short-term memory when it comes to things I NEED them to do, of course IMMEDIATELY memorized this. "A BURP IS A MESSAGE!" they kept yelling back and forth to each other at top volume, running up and down the hallway and cackling demonically. I started mentally composing one of my now-routine pre-emptive apology notes to their teachers about the poetry lesson the kids would undoubtedly be giving their friends the following day. And during the next half hour, as we desperately tried to think of something that could get us back on the path to bedtime, MD muttered to me, "I bet you taught them that just so that you could blog about it later." No, sweetie; I taught it to them because I really am just that stupid. Thank GOD my dad never taught me "Milk, Milk, Lemonade." You're a good mom, Jennifer. You win a copy of Marybeth Hicks' Bringing Up Geeks: How to Protect Your Kid's Childhood in a Grow-Up-Too-Fast World plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Lauren Shaw of Charlton, Massachusetts Lauren, the authorities would like to speak to you. Lauren is our latest winner of the Housewife Awards® because of her Kiddie Induced Run-ins with the Law. Thanks to Lauren's children, she has had not one, but two run-ins with the authorities. The first happened thanks to her sweet little baby, who at just 14-months-old, managed to get the attention of the police. Lauren says they were heading out the door one day last summer to meet up with some friends when she noticed her toddler playing with her key chain. She retrieved it from him, loaded her kids in the car and started to leave. That's when she noticed a new voice mail message waiting for her on her cell phone. She called in and heard this: "Mrs. Shaw, this is Daniel from Safe Home Security. We got your distress signal and have dispatched local authorities." That's right. Her sweet, innocent one-year-old had managed to set off the panic alarm on her keychain, a feat that require holding two buttons down at once. Pretty impressive for someone who's not even potty trained yet. Just then, she saw a police cruiser turning onto her street. So, she did a quick U-turn to go explain her situation to the police. When she pulled into her driveway behind the police officer, she apologized profusely for the false alarm. "That's okay," he said, "I have a ten-year-old. They figure those things out." Of course, Lauren had to explain it was her toddler that was the guilty party here. Turns out, though, that the key alarm incident was just child's play compared to Lauren's next run in with the authorities. In fact, her family darn near caused a national security scare when they landed at the aiport after a family vacation. First, they stopped to look at the planes out the window before heading off to find the restrooms. When the Shaw family came out and started to leave the airport, her five-year-old asked where his pilot's case was. "Oh #*&*!" her husband said. "I bet that's why the guard went running by while you three were in the bathroom!" So, the Shaws ran with all their stuff -- except one small case -- back through the terminal to the gate where a crowd had started gathering. On the ground next to a security guard was Lauren's son's little carry-on bag. She and Hubby had to slink up to him to claim it. He gave them a dirty look, and then said into his walkie-talkie "K-9 unit, disregard." Lauren says the moral of that story is "never leave a bag unattended, even if there is a cartoon character on it!" You're a good mom, Lauren. You win a copy of Amy Scheibe's What Do You Do All Day? , plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Sharon DeVellis of Oakville, Ontario, Canada Sharon put the little liquor bottles in the recycling bin where they belong. Sharon is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Show and Share Shenanigans. Sharon had 45 minutes before she had to leave work to pick up her son, Adam, from senior kindergarten. She decided to call home for her messages, something she rarely does, but this time, she was very glad she did. The first message was from the video store asking her to return her late videos. She deleted it. The second message was from Ursula, Adam's teacher, who said, "Hi Sharon. This is Ursula. I never thought I would encounter this problem with one of my kindergarten students but I had to confiscate a liquor bottle away from Adam today." Oh. My. God. Ursula went on: "Can you please come to the school early so we can discuss this?" Sharon hung up the phone and starting banging her nead against her desk. Then she started laughing so hard, she couldn't breathe. Her boss thought she was crying, what with all the tears running down Sharon's face. She asked what was wrong, and Sharon could barely get the words out. So she replayed the voice mail message for her boss. It seems that ever since Sharon had brought along Adam to the liquor store so she could by wine, her five-year-old had been bugging her for the cute little liquor bottles the store keeps in a display at the counter. But, being the good mother Sharon is, she didn't think it was wise to give even an empty liquor bottle to a kid. But, Sharon says, "for the next three days, like only a five-year-old child can do, he proceeded to ask, demand and whine for me to buy him a little liquor bottle." Finally, she told him to ask his grandparents for one. She figured he'd forget about it by the time he got there. But no. Nonna gave him one. Sharon washed it out and gave it to him, figuring there's no harm in an empty bottle that would likely end up abandoned along with his least favorite toys and half a graham cracker, as usual. But Hubby apparently thought it would be okay for Adam to bring it to school for Show and Share, which is how Sharon wound up with the phone message from the school and a come-to-Jesus moment she didn't deserve. Sharon left work early to talk to Ursula, trying to convince her she really wasn't encouraging her five-year-old to drink. She's just the strongest of the weakest links in the family -- which, says Sharon, "makes me pour a big glass of wine when I got home." You're a good mom, Sharon. You win a signed copy of a Brian Sack's In the Event of My Untimely Demise: Twenty Things My Son Needs to Know , plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Read Sharon's Motherhood, the Ultimate Survivor blog. Jenna Kagan of Maple Valley, Washington Jenna, hoping the traffic helicopters aren't circling her roof. Jenna is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Rooftop Roundup. Jenna realizes now that she cut it too close to lunch time. She should never have attempted to go to the library and the book store with five kids with grumbling bellies. First, she had to pull her sons, Joey, 7, and Hunter, 5, (Jenna says, "going on 35") out of the book store's elevator twice. Then she had to finish getting a few more things when all the kids, including her boys, her daughter Krista, 9, and two toddlers she babysits during the day, really preferred to be elsewhere. Like the elevator, for example. When she got them all home, she fed the kids some lunch and put the littlest ones down for nap. Before homeschooling her three kids, she sat down for a minute to eat her own lunch when she heard a child shout "Mommy! come quick the dog is on the roof!" The dog is Daisy, her son Joey's service dog. Only, she wasn't the only one on the roof. Her two boys were out on the ledge that hangs over the garage...facing the street...right under a popular traffic helicopter route. In a panic, Jenna ditched her lunch and ran upstairs to find her bedroom window open and, she says "Well, hey, the roof was right there," so her boys thought it'd be cool to climb out there with Daisy the dog and a lack of fear. But the kids must have heard Jenna dash up the stairs, because they quickly scrambled back inside. She caught one of them half-in and half-out of the window, while Daisy enjoyed the view. Jenna got the dog off the roof and considered self-medicating with extra dark chocolate. She says, "Oh heck, a Percocet would not be a bad idea either." You're a good mom, Jenna. You win a signed copy of a copy of Geralyn Broder Murray's The Light at the End of the Diaper Pail: Inspiration for New Motherhood, plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Kristina Jackson of Marysville, Ohio Kristina, the laundry's done...for now. [Warning: Bodily fluids ahead.] Kristina is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Spaghetti O No! Why does everything go bad when your husband's away? Ask Kristina. No, don't. She's still getting over this one. One recent night, Kristina's husband was on a business trip for his job at Honda, leaving her home alone with her two kids, Andrew, 4 1/2, and Brady, 2 1/2, and a can of Spaghetti O's. That was where the trouble began. On her way up to bed for the night, she noticed a pasta and sauce smell at the top of the stairs, pretty far from the kitchen, where she had cooked them for dinner. She checked on Brady, asleep in his room, but everything was fine. So, she went into Andrew's room, where the smell got significantly worse. Like visiting the town dump worse. Though he was sleeping, he had thrown up an entire can of Spagetti O's, and was, well, asleep in it, even though it was EVERYWHERE. Kristina woke him up, thereby triggering the crying and screaming because frankly, who wants to wake up to that? She gave him a shower, cleaned up his room and put his sheets in the washer and started it up. An hour later, she put him back to bed. But Kristina couldn't sleep. She worried he'd repeat his, uh, repeating so she kept checking on him. For hours, she was in and out of sleep, terrified of what could happen. Four hours after the big clean up, he appeared in her room with a new report: He'd gone in his undies. She checked in that unphased butt-check that moms do, but he was dry. So she checked his room and well, let's just say she had to change the sheets again. She cleaned him off, too, and brought him back to her bed, presumably because she wanted to have to wash her sheets, too. I dunno. For the next two hours, she took him to the bathroom every 10 minutes, like the commercial breaks on American Idol. finally, they fell asleep. Kristina wanted to share the joy that was her night with Hubby, so she called him at 6 a.m. her time -- 3 a.m. his. He seemed thrilled to find out he had nothing to do with the whole thing. Also, to go back to sleep. In all, Kristina did four loads of laundry, two by 5 AM, and vowed to stay away from Spaghetti O's for a long, long time. One weekend shortly after this harrowing night, her youngest was sick, though not in such a prolific way. Hubby, who slept on their son's floor all night, feels he deserves an award, too. Okay, here's your award: You don't have to clean up any Spaghetti O's today. You're a good mom, Kristina. You win a signed copy of Jen Singer's new book, "You're a Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren't So Bad Either"), plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Sue Wagner of University Park, Maryland What's on your shirt, Sue? Sue is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Oh #@$! Morning Rush. Sue had had yet another long day. The mom of four kids, ages 10, 7, 5 and 2, Sue fell asleep in front of the TV one night and woke up the next morning thirty minutes later than she should have. The kids' uniforms weren't clean, lunches weren't made and book fair checks weren't written. Plus, Sue was still wearing the same clothes she had on the day before -- the clothes with ketchup all over it from cleaning up the dinner plates. She looked like she had spent the night alone locked in a McDonald's. Sue spent the next 45 minutes running around, doing all the things she usually does the night before. As she says: "Making breakfast (oh, #@$!, no milk!), making lunches (oh, #@$!, no bread!), changing a diaper (oh #@$!, not again!)." Lucky for Sue, all the baby dolls in the house are adorned with size 5 diapers. She checked backpacks, combed hair, added up (incorrectly, as it turns out) the totals for the school book fair and wrote checks. When the kids left the house, she finally had time to pour herself a much needed cup of coffee. If only she had milk. You're a good mom, Sue. You win a signed copy of Jen Singer's new book, "You're a Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren't So Bad Either"), plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Rebecca Bailey of Land O Lakes, Florida Rebecca has no clue where her car keys are. Rebecca is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Car Key Caravan. Some days, Rebecca just can't get it together. Not with four kids underfoot. One morning, Rebecca managed to get Eric, 6, to the elementary school at 8:30, and Mark, 4, to the at pre-K at 9. She went home -- and then it all went downhill from there. She was supposed to get Zack, 2, and Ben, 13 months, to Story Time at the library at 10, but she couldn't find her car keys. She searched the car, the garage, the house and the baby, convinced he had made off with them. She looked for her spare set stuck in a magnetic case to the bottom of the van only to realize the little lockbox was no longer there. So, they missed Story Time. She piled her toddlers in the double-stroller and walked a mile-and-a-half to the pre-school to retrieve her four-year-old, and started to head toward the elementary school two-and-a-half miles away. They looked like a human version of "Homeward Bound." Which is why another mom took pity on them, and piled them into her van. She then picked up Eric at school and drove the whole crew home. Later that day, Rebecca took one last desperate search through the van (and the sippy cups, empty snack bags, books and toys) and found her car keys in the crack between the console and the passenger seat. Lucky for her, she didn't lose a kid in there. You're a good mom, Rebecca. You win a signed copy of Jen Singer's new book, "You're a Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren't So Bad Either"), plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Read more about the adventures of Rebecca's life with boys at her blog, Bailey-LifeWithBoys.blogspot.com. Marlena Braun of Augsburg, Germany Marlena doesn't want to see candy for a long, long time. Marlena is our first double-winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Candy Snatcher Incident. One day, Marlena thought it would be nice to treat her daughter Mary, 2 1/2, some brownies and candy. Mary had been nice, and Marlena wanted to reward her good behavior in the hope that it would encourage some more. Instead, it turned Mary into a kleptomaniac. Everything went well at the store. No public temper tantrums. No looks from the shopkeeper that says, "You should control your toddler." Marlena was feeling pretty good about the whole thing, until they got home. As they reached their apartment, they ran into their neighbor, a kindly retiree who had baskets full of candy and cakes for his family and friends. When they finished their brief visit, Marlena got in the elevator, pushed the button for her floor and announced, "Mary let's go." But Mary didn't go right away. First she ran to the neighbor's baskets of goodies, grabbed as much as she could carry and sprinted to the elevator. Mary, it seems, thought she the winner of a supermarket sweep contest: She snatched her haul and ran. Marlena dragged her toddler out of the elevator and asked her to return her stolen goods to the neighbor. But Mary ran inside, grabbed some more sweets and dashed back out. It seems she thought that the baskets of treats were for her for behaving so nicely...before she started her life of crime, that is. I see a future in bank robbery. Marlena said it took an hour to get Mary to return all of her loot. Luckily, the neighbor took it in stride. But from now on, he'll be locking his doors whenever Mary comes down the elevator. You're a good mom, Marlena. You win a signed copy of Jen Singer's new book, "You're a Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren't So Bad Either"), plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Read about Marlena's prize for her Instant Karma Clean-up. Ronique Turner-Winston of Urbana, Illnois Ronique gave up her job as baby massage therapist. Ronique is the latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Baby Massage Moment. Ronique couldn't help herself. Like most first-time moms, she was all caught up in 21st century parenting "best for baby" gaga. So she decided she would give her toddler, D'meneca, a massage. She had heard it was a wonderful thing to do for mom-baby bonding. But it's hard to get a squirmy toddler to cooperate even during diaper changes or bath time, let alone to lie still for a massage. Still, Ronique persisted. She turned her 23-month-old onto her belly, rubbed lotion on her back began to give her a massage. Ronique says she was just doing what the parenting books say to do to "promote bonding or whatever." But D'meneca wanted nothing to do with all that bonding. She squirmed and fussed while Ronique gently held her down. Finally, says Ronique, "she must have realized that this was feeling pretty good, so she relaxed and laid her head down." Ronique had tamed a fidgety toddler! And they were bonding. Just like the books said...until her toddler got so relaxed, she pooted. Ronique says it was "a big puff of not so sugar and spice right in my face." And that was Ronique's last job as a massage therapist. You're a good mom, Ronique. You win a copy of Felicia Sullivan's memoir, "The Sky Isn't Visible from Here": Scenes from a Life," plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Alexis Allsman of Marysville, California Alexis smells diaper rash ointment somewhere... Alexis is the latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Toddler Art Project. Alexis finally had a moment to take a pee. She put her two-month-old son down in his room, and left her toddlers, Steven, 3, and Ross, 2, playing nicely with their train set. But as soon as she sat down, she realized the house was eerily quiet. She finished fast and stepped out of the bathroom to discover that her toddlers had decided to spread diaper rash ointment all over their newborn brother and, in a strange sign of solidarity, on their own heads. It looked like the set of Nickelodeon's "Slimed!" after the cameras go off, but before the handlers rush in with wet towels. Alexis cleaned off the culprits, and then took the baby into the bathroom to wash off a week's worth of diaper rash ointment. Soon, it was eerily quiet again. Alexis rushed from room to room, but she couldn't find her toddlers. Panicked, she raced into her office where she found her boys "painting" themselves with Sharpies, those colorful PERMANENT markers that take a few days to wash off your skin. I know. I've been there. Note to Alexis: Until the boys are at least 12, lock the Sharpies up, along with the diaper rash ointment, and -- just in case -- the entire contents of your pantry. Now Alexis knows that you can't have peace and quiet at the same time when there are two toddlers in the house. You're a good mom, Alexis. You win a copy of "Just Tell Me What to Say: Sensible Tips and Scripts for Perplexed Parents" by Betsy Brown Braun, plus a Housewife Award® certificate for the fridge. Shelley Baty of Travis AFB, California Shelley and her husband conspiring never to buy Silly Putty again. Shelley is the latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Gooey Puddle Predicament. Shelley's kids all got Silly Putty for Christmas. Grace, 4, immediately renamed it "Gooey Puddle," and fell in love. Emily, 8, and Zachary, 10, were equally excited about the red and green squishy stuff. But Shelley? Not so much. For days after Christmas, Shelley heard herself say such pithy statements as: "Gooey Puddle is only allowed at the table." "Take the Gooey Puddle back to the table." "Who put the Gooey Puddle on the couch?" "How did the Gooey Puddle get upstairs?" The Gooey Puddle was in the plastic egg shaped container every time she discovered it away from the table, so she assumed that though it was being moved around the house, it was never actually played with in all its gooey glory. Of course, none of the kids seemed to know how the Goodey Puddle wound up in, say, the dining room. They swore they all put it right where they were supposed to after playing with it. Like a Scooby-Doo cartoon, it was a riveting mystery. Then one day, Shelley washed and dried Zachary's comforter. When she took it out of the dryer, she noticed a large red blob all over the darn thing. Also, red marks on her son's favorite stuffed animal, a pillow and a couple of blankets. Zoinks! The Gooey Puddle had gone through the wash! Shelley felt a range of emotions: anger, betrayal, buyer's remorse and then, exhaustion. After scraping it with a knife, spraying with a stain remover, blotting with cotton balls, applying rubbing alcohol, and more blotting, the Gooey Puddle is now just a red stain -- or rather, three or four stains on both sides of the comforter. Shelley interrogated her brood to find out her had left Gooey Puddle on Zachary's bed. You guessed it: Nobody did. So Shelley announced that she has banned Gooey Puddle from their home until Grace turns 12. Emily calculated that she would be 18 by then, so Shelley told her she'd give her some Gooey Puddle when she graduates from high school. Meanwhile, she had all "three angels" as she calls them, locate and dispose of all Gooey Puddle in the house...until... Shelley found some stuck to her son's pajamas! Jinkies! Where will Gooey Puddle show up next? Perhaps next to the piece of a brick she found in the washing machine the next day. It's hard to say with Gooey Puddle and the three angels in the house. You're a good mom, Shelley. You win a copy of "Sex, Money and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Marriage," by Tina Tessina, plus a Housewife Award for the fridge. Jenny Ingram of Poulsbo, Washington Jenny! Be careful of that table leg! Jenny is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Guilty Mom Scene. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. *Clack* A guilty mother. A busy preschooler. An elementary school. This… is their true story. Guilty Mom enters the school with her 8-, 5- and 2-year-old. She picks up her visitor’s badge. She delivers the Kindergartener to her classroom and begins the long journey across the hallway tiles (to the other side of the school) with her Second Grader leading the charge. The Preschooler is s l o w l y stepping on each tile… careful not to step on any cracks. She must not want to break her mother’s back. Super. Upon arrival, Guilty Mom is set to work by Teacher. By the way, it’s reading time, so Preschooler needs to be veeeery quiet. Double Super. “Shhhhhh. Shhhhhhh. Shhhhh…” Guilty Mom wonders if Preschooler’s noises are more bothersome than her own spit-iful shhhhhhush’s. Guilty Mom never realized how loud a stamp and stamp pad could be. She also never realized how loud pencils could be. Soon it was time to put books away. Preschooler is given the task of walking one book at a time to Guilty Mom. Preschooler fetches book, Mom stacks book. Not the most efficient approach, but efficiency is not Guilty Mom’s goal at this point. It goes well… until… Preschooler falls down and skins her neck… on a table leg. Her neck. I don’t know. The pitch the Preschooler’s cries hit were the kind that break wine glasses. Since this happened at an elementary school, this claim cannot be proven, for wine glasses are frowned upon at elementary schools. Guilty Mom comforts, but also encourages Preschooler to cry quietly. “Mommy knows it hurts. You can cry. Just don’t cry out loud.” They walk the halls in search of student-free territory. Not so much. Guilty Mom walks further from Second Grader’s classroom… she is hopeful more space will muffle the sounds of Preschooler’s agony. Only, Preschooler grows more upset to be so far from her adored Second Grade brother. Guilty Mom tries to figure out which door to outside will let her back in, but she know they all are all locked on the outside. Guilty Mom is sweating. Guilt Mom returns to classroom pod to put away items and make a quick getaway…. But Responsible Adult gets to her first. “In 20 minutes we need to have it quiet because of testing.” Blood is spewing from Preschooler’s jugular. Not really. Guilty Mom dehydrates to death right in the middle of the 1st and 2nd grade pod due to anxiety-induced sweating. Not really, either. Guilty mom assures Responsible Adult, “We will be leaving WAY before that”… Guilty Mom needs to go help in Kindergartener’s classroom. This is the truth. The second shift went much more smoothly. Though a slamming door strongly suggested Preschooler was too loud for the teacher workroom. It also took a while to arrive at Kindergartener’s classroom because of those blessed hallway tiles, and the imaginary bar between Preschooler’s legs that kept her from being able to bend her knees… By the end of her volunteer time, Guilty Mom decided she needed two big-a** chocolate chip cookies from Starbucks. Her blood sugar was low, and so were her chocolate stores. Guilty Mom is aptly named. Guilty Mom had some time to kill after she replenished her vital nutrients. A shoe store was two doors down. Guilty Mom and Preschooler sauntered in. The smell of faux animal hide filled their senses. Preschooler exclaimed, “OH MAMA!!! WE’RE HOME!!! I’m gonna go wook at my shoooooooes!” It appears both Guilty Mom and Preschooler needed a little bit of post-volunteer “therapy”. I got my sugar and she tried on shoes. Girls. You're a good mom, Jenny. You win gift certficate for two Mitetees™ clever personalized Ts and onesies, plus a Housewife Award for the fridge. Reprinted with permission from Jenny's blog, Jenny on the Spot. Karen Vogel of Virginia Karen is off looking for a mouse -- and the scissors. Karen is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her The More, The Messier Week. With six kids and a husband who sometimes travels to Europe on business, Karen's got her hands full -- and her family keeps reminding her of it. Take last week, for example. It reads like a script for, perhaps, "Cheaper by the Half-Dozen." Karen: "Honey! There's a mouse in the bedroom wall. Are you gonna trap it? HUBBY: (silence, pretending to be asleep) Karen: "If you look like you're here to fix the plumbing when you bend over, you need to change your jeans before you go out." TEENAGED DAUGHTER: "Geez, it's not like I'm flashing the paparrazzi." Karen: "You need to take Chemistry, because you might need it later." TEENAGED SON: "Tell me how knowing that XE stand for Xenon is going to help me get a job on Wall Street." Karen: "Today, I filled two trash bags with what was in your drawers, including bursted balloons, broken toys you had dug out of the garbage when I wasn't looking, squashed paper airplanes and broken pencils." 10-YEAR-OLD SON: "You threw out the balloons? But what if I need them two months from now?" Karen: "I made a special vegetarian meal tonight!" 7-YEAR-OLD SON: (crying, as though Mom just announced everyone would be parachuted into the Amazon like Bear Grylls on "Man vs. Nature" to eat grubs for dinner) Karen: "Where are the scissors?" 5-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER: (snip, snip, snipping the fringe off the Turkish rug, the only nice item left in the house) Karen: "Why do you need a diaper?" 2-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER: "So I can poop." You're a good mom, Karen. You win a copy of Table for Eight: Raising a Large Family in a Small-Family World by Meagan Francis, plus a Housewife Award for the fridge. Read more of Karen's very full household on her blog, The More, The Messier. Deborah Gardner of New Bern, North Carolina Deborah is hiding somewhere in Utah. [Warning: Potty talk ahead.] Deborah is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Pan American Potty Peril. For two months, Deborah tried to get her daughter to potty train. They had a cross-country car trip head of them, and there aren't a whole lot of potties along the way. Not ones you'd like to stop and visit with your potty training toddler, anyhow. Naturally, her daughter decided to potty train herself just two weeks before the 2,000-mile-plus trip from the great wide open west to North Carolina. You know, because there's nothing like being trapped in a car with a kid in brand new Cinderella underpants, wondering if she's truly potty trained, or if it just seemed like fun thing to sit on the potty while Mommy was busy packing. After a stop in western Nevada to visit family, Deborah and her family set out for Utah. Before they left, Deborah grilled her toddler about her need to use the facilities before there were no facilities available to use. Several times, Deborah asked, "Do you have to poop?" and several times, her sweet little girl looked her in the eye and lied: "Nope." They were one hour from Salt Lake City when Deborah heard grunting from the back seat. She asked her daughter if she was, in fact, pooping, and not, say, lugging suitcases or trying to pull out a book from under something heavy so she could look at the pictures until they arrived safely in Salt Lake. But she shook her head. Fifteen minutes later, she started screaming. Deborah turned around to find her toddler's hands and her car seat covered in... well, you know. It all sounds like a horror film for parents: Announcer: "On a long, desolate stretch of road, miles from the closest rest room and miles more from a store that sells jumbo tubs of wipes, Deborah is about to come face-to-face with... Cue the screams. The mini-van screeches to a halt. Announcer: The Thing That Poops in Her Pants..." Deborah managed to clean it up the best she could, salvaging the car seat, if not her sense of humor. Eventually, they made it to their new home on the East Coast, where they made sure they aired out the car before greeting their new neighbors -- after rushing to the bathroom, of course. You're a good mom, Deborah. You win a midnight ET for your chance to win a signed copy of Jen Singer's "14 Hours 'Til Bedtime", plus a Housewife Award for the fridge. Leandra Livesay of Sumter, South Carolina "Mommy, your shoes!" Leandra is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Parking Lot Dash. Leandra would do anything to make it to Thursday night's Kids Eat Free! night at her local mexican restaurant. Anything, it seems, including training for an Iron Man marathon -- in the pouring rain. Every week, Leandra takes her daughter, Elizabeth, 2 1/2, and her son, Tyler, 2 months, to a Mexican restaurant where they meet up with friends. One recent Thursday, Leandra was running late -- but, it turns out, just in time for a pouring rain storm not unlike something you'd see in The Perfect Storm, the epic drama starring George Clooney. Only, George didn't have to run with 40 pounds of children in his arms. As soon as Leandra pulled into the restaurant's parking lot, the sky opened up and the rain poured down, seemingly in buckets. She was already late for dinner; her friend, Laura, was inside, waiting with her own little kids, Zachary, 4, and Brianna, 2 1/2, who were probably already half-way through the taco chips and Laura's patience by then. What did Leandra do? She did what any strong, hungry, mom who'd been trapped in the house with a toddler and a newborn all day would do: She ran. But first, she covered Tyler's carrier up, and held it -- and all 14 pounds of newborn -- in one hand. Then, she hoisted up her 24-pound toddler in her other arm and dashed through the parking lot. Mid-way to the door, her sandals started to twist around in a three-inch puddle of rain. Elizabeth shouted repeatedly, "Mommy, your shoes! Mommy, your shoes! Mommy, your shoes!" But Mommy kept on running -- barefoot -- until she got to the sidewalk, where she left her kids underneath an overhang and ran back to get her shoes. When she returned, a waiter from the restaurant appeared with a golf umbrella. ¡ Aye, carumba, buddy! You're a little late! Leandra was done with her Iron Man, er, Iron Mom competition. After dinner, the rain stopped, and Leandra made it to her car with her kids -- and her shoes. You're a good mom, Leandra. You win a Strollometer, the world's first computer/speedometer designed to fit any baby stroller, plus a Housewife Award for the fridge. You know, so you can keep track of how many long jumps you're doing in parking lots across South Carolina. Marlena Braun of Augsburg, Germany Instant karma is going to get you. [Warning: Bodily fluids ahead.] Marlena is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Instant Karma Clean-up. Marlena had had enough, thank you very much. Enough of the vomiting. Enough of the cleaning. Enough of being home with two sick kids. If only her husband understood that. For one week, Marlena and her kids, Mary, 2, and Alex, 1, had been playing ping-pong with the Norwalk virus, a highly contagious stomach virus that causes a whole lot of vomiting. The baby was vomiting anywhere from three to five times daily for a week. Mary vomited four times in two days. Marlena hurled eight times over two days. She says, "By the time I would clean one mess, there was another one." It was everywhere: on the couch, in the hallway, on all the floors, on the beds, in the play pen, on the kitchen counter, all over her, in the closet, the balcony, and all those other places that kids know they are not allowed to be. In short, it was like a frat house the day after the party of the year. The doctor told her to keep everyone hydrated, but Alex wouldn't drink tea or water. He wouldn't eat his jarred food, insisting, instead of drinking milk, which, of course, which irritated his tummy even more. Marlena says, "Once, I was even in the bathroom trying to pee when Alex opened the door and vomited all over me." Sounds like a scene from "Animal House." After a week at home with sick kids, her husband, Markus, finally got to see what it was like when Mary vomited on him. Marlena started to snicker that Finally-he-knows-what-I-go-through snicker when all of a sudden, Alex vomited on her. Kids are like instant karma. And you never know when it'll get you. A week later, Markus caught the virus. Alex still has a touch of it. So Marlena is still sanitizing the whole house with medical grade alcohol and, perhaps, looking forward to spring. You're a good mom, Marlena. You win a a copy of "Absolutely Organized: A Mom's Guide to a No-stress Schedule and Clutter-free Home"by Debbie Lillard, plus a Housewife Award for the fridge. Whitney Cofer of Bridgewater, Virginia Hurry! The pizza guy is at the door. Whitney is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Pepperoni Plea. Whitney's daughter, Madison, 5, has never been much of a sleeper. And yet, Whitney and her husband are. Or they try to be. But Madison often has other plans. When she was 15-months-old, Madison awoke earlier than everyone else in the house -- as usual. So, she called for Whitney through the baby monitor. "Momma. Momma...Momma!" But Momma, like many exhausted moms, wanted to keep sleeping and pretended not to hear her. So, Madison tried her father. "Daddy. Daddy....Daddy!" But he didn't answer her, either, instead, rolling over in bed. Madison was quiet for a few moments, apparently comtemplating her next move. Suddenly, Whitney heard her toddler's next plea: "Pizza guy!" Now there's someone who comes when you call him! Good thinking, Madison! After that, Whitney made sure she answered her daughter's baby monitor calls right away. After all, what mom wants to be trumped by the pizza delivery guy? You're a good mom, Whitney, for admitting to the world that, perhaps, the pizza guy visits you quite often. You win a a copy of Miracle in the City of Angels: A Story of International Adoption by MommaSaid's own Erin Brown Conroy and Elle Conner and some other MommaSaid goodies, plus a Housewife Award for the fridge. Virginia Scruton of Hampton, Georgia Virginia is out buying cleaning fluid. [Warning: Poop ahead.] Virginia is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Haywire Hostessing. Virginia and her husband enjoy entertaining friends in their home. Well, Virginia says she entertains while her husband mostly eats and talks. Anyhow, one Friday afternoon, Virginia was frantically preparing all the courses for a big dinner with friends, cleaning along the way, exhausted from working off baby fat at the gym, while simultaneously trying to keep her five-month-old, Grace, who suffers from separation anxiety, happy. The soup was boiling over, the bread was burning, and the chicken wasn't quite thawed while Grace cried and cried. It was like a cross between an "I Love Lucy" episode and a Calgon commercial. When Grace finally stopped crying and began to giggle in her Exersaucer, Virginia sighed in relief and decided to continue cooking for 10 more minutes. Finally, she peeked in on the baby only to discover why she was so darn content: Grace was playing with a puddle of breastfed poop on her Exersaucer platform. She splashed and danced in it, smiling and laughing as though she were in town pool or something else far more refreshing. And clean. Ah, babies. Why buy them toys when all they need to entertain themselves is a puddle of poop? Grace had splattered it on every surface within a 12 inch diameter, like a Jason Pollack painting, only with a stronger odor. Virginia had just 30 minutes before her company arrived. So, Mom cleaned up the mess, the baby, the Exersaucer and the room before finishing up cooking and welcoming guests as though she hadn't just starred in her own episode of "Dirty Jobs." You're a good mom, Virginia. You win a a copy of Negotiation Generation: Take Back Your Parental Authority Without Punishment by Lynne Reeves Griffin, plus a Housewife Award for the fridge. Daisy Wilson of Splendora, Texas Daisy has a #10 on the back of her shirt. Daisy is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Root, Root, Root for the Wrong Kid. Daisy and her family were thrilled for her son. Twelve-year-old Jerry had not only made the junior high school football team, but he was the quarterback! To celebrate, Daisy and her sisters, Stephanie and Jennifer, made up T-shirts to wear to the game for them and for Daisy's daughter, Wynter and her nephew Anthony, both almost 4. They ironed the letters for his last name, Pond, on each shirt along with his number -- 10. They were so excited, so proud....so wrong. When they got to the game, they met up with Jerry's dad and his wife, Daisy's parents and her mother-in-law. Lucky for them, they weren't wearing the home-made shirts, because Jerry's number wasn't 10, it was 18. Also, he sat on the bench pretty much the entire game. Daisy's sister tried to rectify the error by rushing to the store to buy a black Sharpie pen and draw a line on the zeros on their shirts to try to make them into eights. Meanwhile, Jerry pretended not to know them. Finally, Daisy's son went into the game and the crowd (or at least, the bozos in the home-made shirts) went wild! Thirty seconds later, he pulled a muscle in his knee, and returned to the bench, where he probably was thrilled not to be number 10. By the way, the boy who normally wears number 10 was not there that day, which is probably a good thing, or else he might wonder why he had such a big fan club and yet recognized none of them or their big black pen. You're a good mom, Daisy. You win a a copy of Dedication by Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus, authors of "The Nanny Diaries," plus a Housewife Award for the fridge. Kellie Pease of Derby, Connecticut Kellie, when she's not sleeping in the van. Kellie is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Vacation (All I Ever Wanted) Odyssey. Kellie and her husband decided to take their kids, Kayleigh, 12, Alec, 7, and Aidan, then 18 months, to their friends' house in Cape Cod. They thought it would be a nice relaxing break for the whole family. Instead, they'd need a vacation from their vacation. A few days before Pease family was to leave for the Cape, their toddler came down with coxsackie, a.k.a. "hand, foot and mouth disease"...a.k.a. "no rest for the grown-ups." Kellie reports that the poor kid had a high fever, "gums so swollen you could barely see his teeth," sores in his mouth and on his face, a sore throat and body aches. So, you can imagine he had a tough time sleeping (and therefore, so did Kellie.) The only thing that would appease poor Aidan was his favorite DVD, "The Imagination Movers," and the car. So, Kellie and her husband put him in his car seat and drove. And drove. And drove. And drove half the length of Cape Cod until Aidan finally fell asleep. Mom and Dad need coffee badly, but there wasn't one open store, not even a Seven Eleven or a gas station. When they finally found a store, it was too late to ingest large amounts of caffeine, so they returned to their vacation home. The rest of the house was sound asleep, so Kellie tip-toed to their room and carefully placed Aidan in the playpen, where he AWOKE INSTANTLY, CRYING. Quickly, Kellie scooped her toddler up and brought him into her bed, where he fell back asleep -- smack in the middle of her side of the bed. She tried to curl up around him like a cat, but wound off hanging off of the bed, fearful that she'd wake him up again. So, she shuffled downstairs, where she realized that the only place she could could sleep was on the sun porch. Only, she couldn't get the door open. It was stuck from the humidity, and Kellie was stuck with nowhere to sleep. So she did what any mother desperate for sleep would do. She went outside, barefoot, and fell asleep in her van. When she woke up an hour later, the sun was shining. She says, "I ran in thinking everybody would be worried about me, but they were all just getting up and hadn't noticed I was gone!" For the rest of her "vacation," Kellie held her toddler as he slept. They'd doze together, and whenever he awoke, Kellie rubbed his head and back and said, "Mommy's here. It's okay," until he fell back asleep. Not exactly comfortable, but it required less mileage. You're a good mom, Kellie. You win a a Baby Briefcase®, a document organizer designed specifically for parents and their babies and toddlers, particularly useful and important for health-related documents. Stylish and charming, the mom-invented Baby Briefcase stores all the documents and information relating to a new baby in a way that makes everything easily accessible whether at a hospital, doctor's office, on vacation or anywhere else. And, as always, a Housewife Award for the fridge. Trisha Harrer of West Chester, Pennsylvania Trisha has no idea there's icing all over the floor. Trisha is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Cake and Eat it, Too Episode. Trisha was blow-drying her hair. Far from the refrigerator. Far from her toddler. Far from her sister's birthday cake. So, really, you can't blame her for what happened. Trisha just wanted to do something special for her sister Cris's 40th birthday. So she and her sister Vicki made a cake, decorated it and put it in the fridge until the party later that evening. Her son, Daniel, 2 1/2, was smitten with the cake the moment his mom took out the chocolate icing and began to decorate it. "This is for the party tonight," she told her toddler, whose ability to delay gratification is second only to a fraternity brother's next to a keg during Rush. Daniel's party would start sooner than everyone else's. He waited for his mom to turn on her blow-dryer before he scampered to the fridge. Then he carefully removed the cake's "security system" -- a bowl of cereal with milk that sat on top of the cake container -- and placed it on the floor without spilling it. Then he had his way with the cake. When Trisha discovered him, she says she told him what she always says: "You're lucky that you're cute!" As she was cleaning up the mess, she tasted some of the cake, and it was quite good. So, she brought the bottom of the cake (which didn't touch the floor) to the party, so her mom could try it -- with Daniel's fingerprints in it. Mmmmm. Only a grandmother could love that. En route to the party, Trisha put what was left of the cake between the two front seats of yet another sister's car. But when the brakes were slammed, the cake flew into the dashboard and smeared into rug of the car. Trisha says she decided three things: "The cake was cursed, I need a cake plate with a tighter lid, and that I needed to bring my sister's car to have it detailed." Luckily, another sister (there are 5) brought brownies to the party. You're a good mom (and sister), Trisha. You win this very cool Giggly Gear Photo Tote. It's a book bag, gym bag, diaper bag, beach bag...or knitting bag. And as always, a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Shirley Carlisle of Muskegon, Michigan Shirley is answering the Mom Hotline. Shirley is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Second Shift Shuffle. Shirley is never off duty. When her husband is watching their daughter, Michaela, 7, and their son, Maverick, 4, she is always just a phone call away, like a 24-hour tech support for parenting. When the kids tell Dad that mom said it's okay to have cereal for dinner, she's on speed dial to tell him otherwise. When Maverick says, "But Dad, we had a bath already," it's time for 1-800-CALL-MOM. She may not always be there, but Shirley is always in charge. When Shirley is providing remote parenting support, she proves that moms have eyes in the back of their heads, or, er, through the phone. Once, she could tell that her son was climbing up the entertainment center. "Tell your son to get down," Shirley advised, much to the amazement of her husband, who didn't even see his son go up in the first place. It must be like living with Samantha of "Bewitched." Or, perhaps, Houdini. She should take her show on the road. Never mind that. They'd call her from home. Shirley can even out doctor the doctors. When Michaela had swollen eyes for a few days, her pediatrician insisted she was simply suffering from allergies. So, says Shirley, "this poor girl's eyes looks like she had too much Botox" while the doctor set out to prove Shirley's diagnosis of a sinus infection wrong. In the emergency room a few days later, Shirley found out she was right after all. And her daughter got the antibiotics she had needed for her sinus infection days earlier. Maybe Shirley should set up a hotline for medical advice, too. Or maybe not. She's got enough going on. This fall, Shirley will begin homeschooling her daughter. Well, at least they can't call her when she's already home. You're a good mom, Shirley. You win a Busy Body Book® family organizer for August 2007- September 2008, plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Annette Dixon of O'Fallon, Illinois Annette is out buying kitty litter. Annette is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards® for her Cat Litter Calamity. Annette had just quit her job as a full-time research and development chemist to stay home with her children, Liam, then 2, and Eamonn, then 15 months. She was three-months pregnant with her third child, and feeling every bit of it: Nausea came to visit her frequently. All aglow with that "I am free" feeling that folks get when they leave their jobs, Annette thought it would be fun to take a moment to check her e-mail. Her friends all worked outside the home, so it was her only link to the outside world. Soon, her house became quiet. Dangerously quiet. She set out to track down her sons and quickly became sorry she had. Liam had found the new kitty litter box that she had placed in the basement storage area in case her cats got locked downstairs, and was in the process of pouring fresh kitty litter onto his little brother's head. Eamonn started to cry. The litter, which was the clumping kind, soaked up his tears and began to stick to his face and mouth in caked-on, baked on balls. Liam also had the clumping kitter litter all over himself, so that Annette was facing not one, but two giant kitter litter cakes that cried. Panicked, she grabbed both kids and ran to the upstairs bathroom, not realizing that she was leaving a kitty litter trail all over the carpeting, up both flights of stairs to the top floor, down the hallway and into their bathroom. When she found litter in Eamonn's diaper, she thought it would be a grand idea to run the bath and soak both kids, seemingly oblivious to the properties of kitty litter when soaked in large amounts of water. I guess she didn't research that in her chemist job. Her kids' kitty litter cakes were now concrete helmets affixed to their heads like a beer bottle in Lindsay Lohan's hand. Worse, the hardening sludge was going down the drain and into the plumbing. Annette desperately tried to shampoo and comb the mess out but that was like trying to unpave the road by hand. Soon, her pregnancy hormones kicked in, and she called her husband, Robert, in tears, babbling about kitty litter and toddlers and pipes and who-knows-what. A three-time veteran of pregnancy, he knew enough to just come home. Also, as the Chair of the Chemistry Department/Biochemistry at a local college, he knew that water plus kitty litter equals one darn big mess. Annette and Robert vacuumed and scrubbed until finally, the kitter litter trail was gone. The kids didn't touch the litter again. And yet, the cats didn't notice a thing. You're a good mom, Annette. You win a $40 gift certificate for Mabel's Labels, mom-made dishwasher and microwave-safe stick-on-labels can be used on cups, bowls, toys, books, sunscreen bottles, clothing, lunchboxes, wipes containers, show-and-tell items, and more, perfect for your now FOUR kids, plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Carrie Brink of Florida Carrie, smiling because she has no idea of the forecoming pestilence and turmoil. Carrie is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards™ for discovering her Bugs, Viruses and Cancer, Oh My! As Carrie puts it so eloquently, "Apparently, being told that I have cancer isn't enough for my family. No, we have to go to the extreme, the triathlon of family life." In June, Carrie was diagnosed with cervical cancer. Did she have time to let it sink in, sitting on a bench in the backyard, smelling the flowers and pondering the meaning of life? Of course not. Carrie is a mother. And a mother of children who have their own issues. Also, lice. And rotovirus. Oh, and ringworm. First, her youngest contracted rotovirus, which Carrie has labeled, "the mother of all childhood viruses." She found out about it when she heard "a sound like one of my kids pouring out a gallon of milk on the wood floors." Turns out, it wasn't milk, but poop. Her husband took one sniff and declared, "Rotovirus." She reports, "I hate when he does that - I'M the nurse." She says that some viruses " have unique smells when they erupt from the backside. The odorific aroma and the characteristic Hulk-green foamy poo are dead give-aways. But, Carrie says,"rotavirus times four small children and their mother was just the beginning." Her three-year-old (the Hulk-green poo kid) soon developed while polka-dots on his otherwise tan skin. She reports, "This one I diagnosed first, ha ha Dad! Little guy has tinnea corporis. Sounds pretty, doesn't it? Rolls right off the tongue. The 'street name' ain't so lovely. Little guy has ringworm." The boy had circles of varying sizes, about 10 shades lighter than the rest of his skin. Carrie tried several over-the-counter remedies for this common fungus, including some, uh, "female" cream, but nothing worked. She she took him to the pediatrician, who confirmed both the rotavirus and the ringwork and she prescribed an oral anti-fungal that should work in ....six weeks. Carrie asks, "Have you ever tried to get one-and-a half teaspoons of pungent, bitter medicine down a squirming toddler?" It took three dishtowels, one can of Coke (for him), and a shot of vodka (for mom) before that first dose went down. Only 42 doses to go!" Did Carrie finally have some time to think about her diagnosis? Uh, nope. She says, "It continues...Cancer, Rotavirus, Ringworm, wait for it....wait for it... LICE! Yes, my seven-year-old had a rip-roaring case of head lice." She had missed this one, because she assumed he was just having another food allergy. But when two days of Benedryl doses didn't work, she tried multiple applications of pesticides (covered by a Wal-mart bag, as seen in the photo) to get rid of the bugs on his head. She spent 10 days combing four little heads with comb. She adds, "If I hadn't had cancer before, I certainly would now!" Science ought to study that one. Carrie threw out the kids' pillows and even the couch -- a twin-size, pull-out couch with matching ottoman and storage chest. She warns, "Did you know those little buggers can live in the stitching of fabric?? Eeewww!" Carrie says, " I know waaaay too much about head lice. If they come back, forget chemotherapy, I'm shaving my head!" At least you'll get to sit down for chemo. Hear's hoping the chemo chair doesn't have lice, too. You're a good mom, Carrie. You a copy of The Women's Daily Irony Supplement by Judy Gruen, plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Cindy Copple of Coppell, Texas Cindy and her kids are smiling...without any Jelly Beans stuck in between their teeth. Cindy is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards™ for discovering her son's secret Jelly Bean stash. One night after supper, Cindy's four-year-old son, John, ran to his room with a big smile on his face. All clues pointed to something suspicious - John hadn't finished his dinner and wouldn't be getting any dessert: Usually a high-tension situation. Cindy thought it was strange, but she let it pass. Later, at bed time while playing Candy Land, John reached under his pillow and told Cindy not to look. From under the pillow, he pulled out a jelly bean, left over from Grandma Sue's Easter gift. "Are you hiding candy?" Cindy asked. "Only two, Mommy," John innocently replied. Cindy discussed not hiding candy and how important it is not to eat after brushing teeth in the evening. John brushed his teeth again and went to bed. As Cindy began to leave, John told her not to look in his closet. Cindy thought that was odd, but it was late and she let it pass. The next day, as John said "good morning," Cindy noticed he had something red stuck in his teeth. When she asked him about it, he had no response. Cindy was in a hurry to get everyone to school on time, so she didn't push the matter. After his sisters -- Alexandra, 9, and Rebecca, 7 -- were gone and it was time to take him to school, Cindy decided to use a little of John's own medicine. She bribed him with two jelly beans to get in the car and tell her the truth. She asked if he had hidden candy in his room. After withholding the two jelly beans he finally said, "Yes, but don't look in my closet." Cindy figured she got the truth and gave him the jelly beans. Later that day, she found the big stash - a baggie filled with jelly beans stuffed under some clothes in John's closet. In Cindy's house, this breaks the record for the youngest person to hide stuff from the parents. At least he was young enough to not lie about it yet! You're a good mom, Cindy. You win a three-month Flower of the Month Club delivery, courtesy of In the Motherhood.com, plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Conceived by Suave and Sprint, "In the Motherhood" is a series of webisodes created by mothers everywhere starring Leah Remini. Click to watch the trailer. Jennifer Divito of Louisville, Kentucky Jennifer's smiling here because no one is peeing on her floor...yet. Jennifer is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards™ for her Pee Pandemonium. Jennifer's husband was at his second job as a shift manager at Starbucks, so Jennifer had the bedtime ritual to herself. Pregnant with her fourth child, Jennifer had managed to get her two oldest kids, Joanna, 6, and Jubilee, 4, to bed, and was working on putting 21-month-old, Joshua, into his p.j's. Suddenly, Joanna raced out of her bedroom to the bathroom, but didn't quite make it to the potty. Jennifer rushed to the bathroom, leaving Joshua diaperless in his room violating the number #1 rule when it comes to toddlers: Never leave them naked and alone. (The same rule applies to both Colin Farrell and Paris Hilton.) While Jennifer was cleaning up the mess in the bathroom, she heard Joshua pad into the hallway, followed by the unmistakable sound of pee hitting lineoleum. The boy was peeing in the hall. Hey, at least he didn't choose the carpet, right? Jennifer quickly finished cleaning up her six-year-old's mess to go attend to her 21-month-old's mess. Her Mommy Monitor must have been on overdrive, listening for her four-year-old in case she suddenly needed to pee on a floor, too. Jennifer took solace in the fact that she doesn't own a dog. In the middle of the big Hazmat clean-up, Hubby called from Starbucks to "see how things are going." How are things going? Jennifer didn't have the time to tell him, what with all that peeing going on. He seemed a little peeved when Jennifer rushed him off the phone, but then, people don't normally pee on the floor at Starbucks, so how could he know what it was like? After she cleaned it all up and put the kids to bed, she returned Hubby's phone call and had a good laugh. Jennifer swears that Hubby laughed harder, because he was thrilled not to be home. Also, to be employed at a place that serves Brazil Ipanema Bourbon™ coffee. You're a good mom, Jennifer. You win a copy of MommaSaid's own Marybeth Hicks' "The Perfect World Inside My Minivan -- One Mom's Journey Through the Streets of Suburbia", plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Good news! Jennifer gave birth to a baby girl, Joy, on May 18th. Everyone is doing well, and so far, the baby has peed only in her diaper. Rebecca Horvath of Bluff City, Tennessee Rebecca with Emily, who, no doubt, wants to skip across that swinging bridge. Rebecca is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards™ for her T-Bone Thrill Ride. Rebecca thought the other driver was going to stop. After all, most people stop at intersections, right? But not that day. That day, an 84-year old lady in a big old Buick didn't stop, and was heading right for the driver's side of Rebecca car, broadsiding it and sending it skidding across a four-lane highway. Rebecca held her breath. She was sure that she wasn't going to get out of this in one piece. She feared for her life, and that of her daughter Emily, then 2 1/2, who was sitting in the backseat of the family's Toyota Camry. Miraculously, her car came to a stop without hitting anyone or anything else. Rebecca whipped around to make sure that Emily was okay. Certainly her child would be frightened, if not hurt. Uh, no. Rebecca said she put on her brave mommy face and asked, "Are you okay?" Emily replied, "That was fun! Can we do that again, Mommy? Pleeeeease?!!!" Note to Rebecca: You must be 48 inches tall to ride the The Thunderhead® at Dollywood. Vertical drop: 100 feet. Highest speed: 55 mph. Luckily no one was hurt, not Rebecca, not Emily and not the 84-year-old lady in the big old Buick. Rebecca's Camry had $5500 worth of damage, but the other driver's insurance took care of that. After all, she's the one who didn't stop at the intersection. Rebecca was relieved that Emily wasn't terrified by the incident. She reported, "At least I know she won't be scarred for life because of it." No, but you will be when Emily decides to join an Extreme Sport team. I'm thinking street luge would be perfect for her. "Do it again, Emily!" You're a good mom, Rebecca. You win a copy of "What the Other Mothers Know: A Practical Guide to Child Rearing Told in a Really Nice, Funny Way That Won't Make You Feel Like a Complete Idiot the Way All Those Other Parenting Books Do," plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Kim Patterson of Madison, Georgia Kim is smiling because she knows her dinner isn't burning... Kim is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards™ for her Ditched Dinner Dilemma. Kim admits that she's had a hard time adjusting to having a third child in the house, ever since her son Jacob, now 10 months-old, was born. She's home all day, every day, with all three of her kids, including Jordan, 4 1/2, and Josh, 3 1/2, and it's a struggle to pack up just to go to grocery shopping, especially when the two oldest refuse to wear what Mom puts out for them. Even at home, there's chaos, as Kim constantly feels pulled in three different directions -- and none of those directions seem to lead her to a cleaner house or piles of fresh, folded laundry. The hallway from her garage always looks like the family had been chased out in a big hurry. On this day, the floor was covered in the kids' shoes, a pair of shorts Jordan decided to leave on the floor as she stripped coming in, a walker (baby included) and Josh's trucks and sippy cups that never made it to the sink. One day, Kim decided to get a jump start on dinner, so she pre-heated the oven and put the chicken in the broiler pan... then she changed a diaper...then she broke up a fight between her older kids ... then she played with her kids to keep them from annoying each other ... then she put a load of laundry in the washer... then she cleaned up a mystery mess in the living room .. then she changed another diaper ... and then she found the chicken... sitting on the counter ... an hour later. Whoops! I supposed the chicken was lucky. The rice and the veggies hadn't even made it that far. Somehow, she managed to fast-track dinner so that it was ready by the time her husband came home. It almost looked as though she'd finally gotten it all together ... until Hubby hit the hallway from the garage, and tripped on all the stuff she never had time to get to while she was ditching dinner. You're a good mom, Kim. You win a copy of Laura Day's "Welcome to Your Crisis: How to Use the Power of Crisis to Create the Life You Want," plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Maybe you can find your chicken dinner in the book. Ashley Wiswell of Hobucken, North Carolina Ashley's off explaining to her husband why she was hugging another man in the name of motherhood. Ashley is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards™ for her Hello Daddy Diversion. Ashley's husband, Mike, had just completed a seven-month deployment with the Coast Guard. So Ashley packed up their two kids, Bryce, 2, and Mikalya, 3 months, and headed down to the dock to meet Daddy. As if it wasn't enough that Ashley had to keep an eye on her wandering toddler near a large body of water, she also had to try to feed her baby and talk to her boss on the phone at the same time. A BM3 in the Coast Guard herself, Ashley works in the areas of law enforcement and search and rescue cases. What she didn't know then was that she was about to be rescued, too, in a way. Suddenly, Bruce broke free from holding onto the stroller and ran up to a man that he thought was his father. "I missed you, Daddy!" he shouted at the man in uniform. Ashley tried to reel Bryce back in, but he would have none of it. As far as he was concerned, he was greeting Daddy after a long time apart. By now, people were starting to stare. So Ashley pretended that the man, who looked a bit like Mike, was her husband. Thankfully he went along with the impromptu plan, hugging her and saying, "I'm so glad to see you again." He also picked Bryce up so other people would actually believe it... which is exactly the moment that Ashley's husband got off the ship and saw what was going on. Ashley apologized to the nice man, and explained everything to Hubby before trying to cheer up a clearly confused Bryce with ice cream. No word on whether Mike got ice cream, too, but they all deserved a scoop or two after that episode. You're a good mom, Ashley. You win a copy of Dr. Ann Dunnewold's new book, "Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box: Cut Yourself Some Slack (and Raise Great Kids) in the Age of Extreme Parenting," plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Brooke Vossler of Bend, Oregon Gee, I don't know why Brooke would need any help. Slacker. Brooke is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards™ for Just Saying Yes. Like most moms, Brooke says, "I prefer to do the work myself and then get grumpy for not receiving any help that I never asked for." So when a disc in her neck starting bulging, she refused to see a doctor for four weeks, thinking, "Oh, it's just nothing. It will get better soon. Don't mind the disc bulging from my neck." Why she thought it would just get better all on its own when she's got four boys to take care of, I don't know. But that's how moms think, right? Why her disc went out on her in the first place, though, is obvious. Brooke frequently carries her seven-month-old baby, Silas, in his car seat. So, that's about 18 pounds, plus the weight of the car seat and probably a bottle, some toys, maybe some rocks, too. I dunno. She's got a 30-pound three year-old son, Sam, who requires several "Mommy, Mommy!" lifts throughout the day. Then there are the books, toys and backpacks her sons Eli, 5, and Jake, almost 8, leave for her. And of course, the pots and pans in the kitchen. Oh, and changing the sheets on the top of the bunk bed because, she says, "that's impossible for a kid to do for himself." And putting wood on the fire, too. Oh, and did I mention that her hubby is a firefighter, so she's often on her own for 24 hours at at time? I think I've slipped a disc just writing all that. After Brooke's doctor told her she can't lift her children or do all that other stuff, she still tried to do it all for a week. And then, she said, "Yes." She said "yes" to her friends from church helping her around the house. She said "yes" to them -- and to her mom, Glo and Naomi -- cooking dinner for her. "Yes" to friends vacuuming, mopping, making beds, cleaning bathrooms, playing with her children, carrying the baby, reaching things on high shelves, taking out the garbage, lugging laundry, washing dishes, feeding the baby and changing the sheets. She said "yes" to her husband, who took the three oldest kids to his folks' house for a long weekend. She even said "yes" to her father, who, though recuperating from surgery -- and therefore on lifting restrictions as well -- helped her and the kids make a snowman with the "only good snowman making snow of the year." (So you see the urgency there.) Brooke says she might face surgery soon. She feels a little guilty about asking for help again. But Brooke, don't you see? It took 10 people to replace you. If there's anyone who deserves a little help, it's you. So, while family might be required to help, friends -- especially friends who have kids and houses to run themselves -- are a different thing altogether. So, I'd like to give a special shout-out and honorary Housewife Awards to Brooke's pals from church: Christina, Tamara, Nancie, Heather and Shanyn. I'm sending you each signed copies of my book, "14 Hours Til Bedtime." Maybe you'll have time to read it when Brooke stops being such a slacker. You're a good mom, Brooke. You win a 13" x 5 1/2" x 5" super organizational Butler Bag in coffee, plus a Housewife Award™ certificate for the fridge. Kristine Watson of Kenmore, Washington Kristine with Alec. No Pet Rocks for you, son. Kristine is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards™ for Rock Removal Service. When Kristine was named the "Safety Leader" of her son Alec's pre-school last year, she took her job very seriously. And it's no wonder. A self-professed "psycho when it comes to baby/child safety," Kristine once hired a professional baby-proofer to come into her house and put locks on everything from the cabinets to the toilets. As she writes on her blog, LuckyMom.com, "I swear I saw more than she did and basically paid her (a lot) to drill holes for me." So when Kristine spotted a rock in her son's classroom, she had to remove the potentially dangerous weapon... even though the rock was going to be used for a science project at Alec's school that day. She wrote on her blog, "All I could think of was some bigger kid pitching that rock into the side of Alec’s head." Why she thinks her son's head is a magnet for large rocks, I don't know. Perhaps the bigger kid would hit a window or the salamander cage instead. But no, Kristine saw the big ole rock and assumed it would be aimed at her kid, even though he's never sustained an injury at the hands of another child, let alone a heavy rock. She confesses: "I signed my son in at school and snuck into the Science room and HID the darned boulder until I returned." The teacher, however, was not amused. When Kristine arrived to pick up Alec at the end of the school day, she mentioned the missing rock. Kristine confessed that she hid the rock because she feared some 2 1/2 year-old would find the strength to pick it up and hurl it at her son, like a baby Superman when he first arrived in the Plains, lifting his spaceship to the amazement of the family that found him. She calls herself "Lucky Mom," but perhaps her subtitle should be, "Creating good luck through undying paranoia." Kristine is no longer the Safety Leader, and her son no longer attends that pre-school. She didn't say why, but I bet it has to do with properly securing weighty and potentially deadly weapons in a room full of toddlers. You're a good mom, Kristine. You win a copy of Jennifer Trachtenberg, M.D.'s "Good Kids, Bad Habits: The Real Age® Guide to Raising Healthy Children" plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. (Rocks not included.) Rebecca Mauk of Ocoee, Florida Rebecca with Mia. Anybody got a chair for her? Rebecca is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards™ for her Three-Jobs-in-One Feat. Rebecca should be cloned, because she's doing the work of three women all at the same time. The mother of two kids, Mia, 1, and Chase, 10, Rebecca is no ordinary mom, because ordinary moms require sleep. To her, "downtime" is when she bends down to pick up her son's baseball cleats off the kitchen floor. Every morning, Rebecca awakes with her daughter Mia at around 5 a.m. Imagine that? She's up at 5 and she doesn't even have a paper route. She gets Mia ready for the day before her son, Chase, wakes up at 6:30. By the time Hubby rolls out of bed at 7, Rebecca's already put in a few hours of Job #1 -- Mom -- and she's still got another 16 hours to go. I need a nap just thinking about it. Hubby takes over baby duty so Rebecca can get some work done in her home office for Job #2 as a virtual assistant to Realtors and other independent contractors who can't afford or don't need a full-time assistant. It brings in extra money AND she gets to talk to grown-ups. How great is that? A part-time sitter watches Mia so Rebecca can work without a baby in lap banging the computer keys and drooling on paperwork. Then it's time for the afternoon rush. She brings Chase to baseball practice, oversees homework, makes dinner... you know the drill. She fits in Job #3 as homemaker in between everything else, with a little more paperwork at night before heading off to bed at 11. It all sounds like a commercial for Staples or FedEx or something, until you realize that sometimes, Rebecca just says NO! She calls in the calvary -- Grandma -- to help with the house and to take the kids so that she and Hubby, who owns his own autobody shop, can go out on a date. Or she vetos baseball practice and work and just spends time hanging out with the kids. Amazingly, when she finally has a moment to just plain sit down, she doesn't nod off. Either that, or she sleeps with her eyes open. You're a good mom, Rebecca. You win a copy of Geri Larkin's "The Chocolate Cake Sutra: Ingredients for a Sweet Life," plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Now, repeat after me: "Ooooooom. Ooooooom." Stephanie Savoie of St. Paul, Minnesota Stephanie with Henry, 2, who -- thankfully -- wasn't potty training at the time of the Savoie's Great Pond. Stephanie, mother of two kids and handler of one big puddle, is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards™ for her Water, Water Everywhere story. Why does everything wait to break down when your husband is away and you're home alone with the kids? That's what Stephanie Savoie wants to find out, just as soon as she finishes mopping up her basement. When her husband went away on a five-day business trip last month, the basement drain stopped draining. Soon, a large puddle of water formed, so that Stephanie had to wade like a fly-fisherman just to do a mini-load of laundry. A mini-load, because she couldn't risk running a larger load or the whole basement would be under water. She also couldn't call the plumber; money was too tight after the Christmas bills came in. So, she worked around it. She pestered her son Jacob, 5, to try to use the bathroom before she did anything that required a lot of water. It was like potty training all over again, only without the high-fives and sheer joy, what with Stephanie holding her breath and praying for the basement floor until the toilet finished flushing. When speed-showering, she turned off the water to lather, or else the puddle in the basement would turn into a small pond that inched toward the cat's litter box. And you know how cats just love water. She nagged Jacob not to run water when he was washing his hands or brushing his teeth, and monitored his toilet use like a crazy woman who wanders around the house, mumbling about drains and water and puddles. Oh that's right. She was a crazy woman who wanders around the house, mumbling about drains and water and puddles. When she did a load of wash, water filled the sink in the basement and took an hour or so to drain. So she watched over it -- while standing in the Savoie Pond, making sure the whole place didn't flood. Recently, she found the money to hire a plumber and now, she says, she feels like she's living in luxury. "I can take a long shower, do a large load of laundry, run the dishwasher & disposal...without having to worry and stress." Yes. And imagine how Jacob feels to have the bathroom back to himself again. You're a good mom, Stephanie! You win a copy of Polly Williams' "The Yummy Mummy," plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Meredith Craig of Quincy, Massachusetts Meredith, between doctors' visits. Meredith is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards™ for her Skipped Sick Day. Meredith's kids weren't feeling well. For several nights, they were up a lot -- and so, of course, was Meredith. So she took Matthew, 2, and Katelyn, 20 months, to the pediatrician, who diagnosed them both with ear infections. Two cranky toddlers with ear infections? You might as well have dropped Meredith off in the jungle with nothing but some water and a machete and told her to find her way home. No, that would be easier. Much easier. After a few more sleepless nights, Meredith's husband, whom she lovingly refers to as her "third child," came down with similar symptoms. His doctor told him he had an ear infection and strep throat, but that wouldn't keep him from THE BIG GAME. Hubby had scored some much coveted tickets for a New England Patriots play-off game. Strep, schmep! He wasn't going to miss his beloved Pats trouncing the New York Jets. Oh, and by the way, it would make him very happy if he had wifey's famous stuffed mushrooms to bring along to the tailgate party... But by Friday, Meredith was sick, too. Her doctor told her she had strep throat and a sinus infection. So what did Meredith do? Did she make herself some soup and go take a nap? Lie around on the couch and watch "Dr. Phil"? No. Mommy doesn't get a sick day. Mommy has to take care of two toddlers, who were by then feeling much better and ready to get back to the business of removing all the magnets from the refrigerator and stuffing things into the tissue boxes. On Saturday, Hubby swore he felt well enough to go to the game the next day. He'd be leaving at 8 a.m. for the day-long tailgating event, and boy wouldn't those stuffed mushrooms be great to bring along? Meredith stayed up until 11 p.m., making the @$#! stuffed mushrooms, so, essentially, she could spend all of Sunday taking care of the kids ... again. For Meredith, a sick day is doing what she does every day, only she feels worse than usual. Naturally, after a long day tailgating and a long night celebrating -- with strep throat and an ear infection, mind you -- Hubby called in sick at work on Monday. He went back to bed, and Meredith went back to work as usual, taking care of her toddlers and probably cleaning the @$#! stuffed mushroom dish. Next time, Meredith, hand him the recipe and the diapers and go on strike. You're a good mom, Meredith! You win a copy of "Babyproofing Your Marriage: How to Laugh More, Argue Less, and Communicate Better as Your Family Grows," by Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill and Julia Stone, plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge. Sharonda Penn of Richmond, Virginia Sharonda, watching the candles very closely. Sharonda is our latest winner of The Housewife Awards™ for her Home Hopping Hassles. Sharonda was just trying to make a better life for her family: her truck driver Hubby and their kids, Troy, 14, Azaria, 7, and Joshua, 4. But a careless candle, a restless landlord and little time for studying made her 2006 a rough one. So far, it has taken Sharonda five years to work toward her degree in Business Administration with a minor in Human Resource Management, because she was otherwise plenty busy taking care of her three kids. Even after attending college quarterly, she's still got 40 credits to complete. But the government apparently has no idea what it's like to take three courses a quarter while carting kids to all their activities and overseeing their homework while Hubby's on the road, because Sharonda exhausted all of her federal funding for school. She's also exhausted from home hopping. Sharonda and her family were evicted from one apartment by an impatient landlord. They moved into another apartment where the woman living upstairs lit a candle in her bedroom -- and went to sleep on the porch. The Penn family had just 60 seconds to get out of their burning building, but everyone was okay. But their belongings? Not so much. After a short stay in a hotel, thanks to the Red Cross, Sharonda's family found a house to rent, where, hopefully, no one lights candles and falls asleep. Now that her family has a home (let's hope, for a long time), Hubby wants Sharonda to homeschool the kids. (Gee, Sharonda. I can't understand why it's taking so long to get your degree...). You're a good mom, Sharonda! "A Perfect Mess: The Hidden Benefits of Disorder--How Crammed Closets, Cluttered Offices, and On-the-Fly Planning Make the World a Better Place" by Eric Abrahamson and David H. Freedman, plus a Housewife Award certificate for the fridge.

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