This is my last day as a married woman. I’d add “ever,” but there’s no need to be all snarky about it. I have been married since 1991, and tomorrow, I won’t be married anymore. That’s really all I need to say about it, if anything, here.
Well, there’s one more thing: Men, go away.
Not my male friends, clients, and family, of course. Just the men who are trying to get in my pants make my acquaintance, perhaps for an evening out or just a drink and conversation.
You know who you are. You leave me messages in my “Other” in-box on Facebook (even though my marital status is not listed there. Hmmm.) If you’re representatives of what’s out there to date, I’d rather stay home with my cat and watch re-runs of Mad Men, thank you very much.
Here’s a sampling of the, um, “wooing” going on in my “Other” in-box:
“I was searching for a friend on face book when I came across your profile, I stared at your photo for several minutes you look so beautiful. I will really like us to be friends.”
Unless you’re retouching my photo or trying to find me in a big crowd having never met before, there’s really no need to look at my picture for that long.
“I am an independent man who love working and planning and in search of a lovely woman who will for ever remain my life partner as well growing older together. No woman has ever caught my heart so deeply as you do.”
Whoa, hold on there, cowboy. Little tip: If you’re looking for someone to take care of you when you’re old and incontinent, don’t lead with that. Perhaps start with a latte — minimally, a grande — at Starbucks.
“……..i am certainly speechless….what manner of beauty bestowed on one person. You must have been created on God’s resting day…I couldn’t control my adrenalin while surfing on your profile.”
As a matter of fact, I was born on a Sunday. What that has to do with the hormone that regulates your heart, I’ll never know.
“i was searching for someone else, when i stumbled on your profile. I got entangled in that wonderful smile, couldn’t stop myself from saying hello. Please always wear that smile.i will love to know you. you are looking gorgeous,i am single are you single?”
Well, not today, no. But I am a big fan of proper punctuation and capitalization of the pronoun “I.” Also, if I always wear a smile, no one will know when I’m annoyed with them, say, perhaps, for not stopping themselves from saying hello.
“hello jen singer.”
Thanks for the effort.
I am almost single. Men, go away. I’ll let Louis CK provide at least one good reason why while I go see about a cat. (Warning: Rated R — Don’t play in front of the kiddies):