If you have ever blogged about motherhood and admitted to anything less than baby lotion commercial bliss, you know that the Internet trolls will come out from under their bridges to tell you any or all of the following, in the comments, usually in this order:
ANNOYED AND CHILD-FREE will ask why you bothered to have kids if you’re just going to whine about it. You will be referred to as a “breeder,” and you will be blamed for every uncomfortable public interaction the commenter has ever had with people under the age of 18. Also, for children’s menus and light-up sneakers.
SEEN AND NOT HEARD will insist that his — and it is almost always a his — mother raised him differently, and therefore, better than you are currently raising your child, who is no doubt destined to wind up a star on his or her own version of a “Honey Boo-Boo” or “Jersey Shore” type of show.
GRANOLA MOM will take issue with your passing reference to popsicle you served once in 2008 or some such travesty of the industrial food complex, and assure you that your administration of high fructose corn syrup to your offspring will no doubt give all of you Type 2 diabetes by Tuesday.
HOTSEXX72 will pop in to let you know that lovely Russian “ladys” are waiting to meet you right now and that they are “hornee” and “lonley.”
SPARE THE ROD will suggest that you “pop” your kids on the butt to teach them a lesson, because not spanking is the reason America is on the downslide, nobody has manners anymore, the economy collapsed, and no good music has been recorded since 1972.
SEEN AND NOT HEARD will agree with SPARE THE ROD, adding that his mother — and it’s almost always a his — spanked him and it taught him to respect his elders and never end up as the star of his own reality show.
GRANOLA MOM will admonish SEEN AND NOT HEARD and SPARE THE ROD for the “barbaric practice” of spanking it, insisting that children need the opportunity to share their feelings.
ANNOYED AND CHILD-FREE will insist that the “Reserved for Pregnant Women and Parents of Young Children” signs at supermarkets are unconstitutional and invite people to sign his petition over at ScrewTheGovt.com.
COACHBAGSCHEAP will say COACH BAGS COACH BAGS COACH BAGS COACH BAGS
COMMENTS-ALL-DAY-LONG will say that you should quit whining on the Internet and pay attention to your kids for a change, because the 20 minutes it took you to write and post it may well be the same 20 minutes they decide to take up pot smoking.
SEEN AND NOT HEARD will say that his mother never hung out on the Internet all day.
ANNOYED AND CHILD-FREE will point out that there was no Internet back then, and then he will complain that you won’t post his link to his petition at ScrewTheGovt.com., you ignorant breeder.
CHEAPCOACHBAGS will say COACH BAGS COACH BAGS COACH BAGS COACH BAGS
SPARE THE ROD will suggest that ANNOYED AND CHILD-FREE should be spanked. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOTSEXX72 will pop in to let you know that lovely Russian “ladys” are waiting to be spanked.
YOUR MOM will tell you she loves you. Then she will ask you for your dress size because she was at Lord & Taylor’s today and found a cute dress in a size 12 but thought you might be a 14. She will then wonder why you are not texting her back right away.
MOM WHO FEELS THE SAME will thank you for your courage for writing exactly how she felt, as though you were in her head and in her heart. Now she doesn’t feel so alone anymore.
And you will think, Yeah, I will keep blogging.
ANNOYED AND CHILD-FREE will say that you and all breeders like you should quit blogging.
SEEN AND NOT HEARD will add that his mom never blogged, and he turned out okay….which makes write your very next blog right there and then.