Just once, wouldn’t this be nice? It’ll never happen, because in society today, fatherhood is to motherhood what miniature golf is to the Iron Man triathlon: It’s not even a competitive sport. We praise fathers for “helping” at home, as though they are part-time assistants, and trash moms for taking “me time.” When dads work, they are providers. When moms work, they are selfish. (Why is there no phrase “working dads”?) When dads endure a temper tantrum at the supermarket, they’re heroes for the effort. When moms do it, they’re bad mothers for not controlling their kids in public.
That’s why you’ll never see a cover like this, but you can go pick up one featuring a mom breastfeeding her three-year-old next to the words, “Are You Mom Enough?” Never mind the torment this boy will no doubt experience on Facebook 10 years from now. If his mom wants to breastfeed a kid old enough to pour a glass of milk for himself, more power to you, sister. But, here’s the thing: That’s not less power for the rest of us.
Moms, we’ve reached the finish line. We trained hard and raced with all our might, but now it’s time to knock off this nonsense and play some mini-golf, because until you see a cover like this, the dads are doing it right. And everyone — our kids, our spouses, ourselves — will be better off for it.
Very well said, Jen! The thing is there ARE lots of dads like this (cue photos, which I don’t have, of my brother bouncing his son in a carrier, like, all the time, while also making gourmet dinners for 20 guests — his wife doesn’t cook). But you’re right; we won’t see him, or any other dad, on the cover of Time like that. And that, to put it mildly and succinctly, SUCKS. Hard.
Why do we expect so little of dads and so much of moms? It’s insulting to all of us.
Track records maybe?
Good luck guys, most of you won’t be Dad Enough overnight, though.
Fathers can be great, but they can never be mothers, and we shouldn’t expect them to be. Why do we even compare?
I think this is an interesting question and complicated answer.
Let me first say that I am a 12 year at-home dad. So I do not work outside of the home, but I do all of the childcare and household duties associated with being the at-home parent. So I know a lot of active dads. Both those that stay at home full-time and those that work outside of the home. Just the other day I went on a field trip with my kindergartener. 1/3 of the parent volunteers were dads which is a lot different from when my oldest was in kindergarten.
I think there is a movement going on in the home that mirrors that of women in the workplace. Dads are becoming more involved in home and childcare duties and they are having to fight for space and respect.
Recently there was a kerfuffle with Huggies when they came out with a campaign to put their diapers and wipes to the “dad test.” It played on the stereotypes of a dad who cannot handle being alone with his own child. And dads (and moms) shot back. And it wasn’t just because I have done all of those things, it is because I don’t want the message sent out to other dads that they can’t and shouldn’t expect to do those things.
And there were many moms that supported the campaign. They thought it was an accurate expression of men. I read the blog of one of the moms that commented and she had a story about her husband giving their child a bath and she had to rush in and take over because he was “doing it wrong.” The child wasn’t in any physical danger, he just wasn’t doing it the way she did.
If men continue to get the message that belittles their activities as fathers then it is natural for them to recoil from even attempting to change diapers or take care of their kids.
Some men are just dopes. But if you married that kind of man, well you picked him. It is not because of his gender that he is unable to take care of his own kids.
Men can not be mothers, but they can take care of their children. They can be the primary caregiver and they can take care of the home and do the laundry and make the meals. I can introduce you to a couple hundred of them. But they are not “Mr Mom” They are not a fill in for mom. They are full functioning parents who have a penis.
Since you mention linguistics, mothering is taking care of a child, fathering is providing sperm.
Who expects so little of dads?!? Today’s society (apparently, if there are blogs like this), expects a lot out of dads, working or not. But seriously, if dad is working, and doing what he can at home, back off. What more do you want. If dad is working hard and providing for the family, be thankful and back off.
Agreed! I was wondering the same thing. And when we were watching the morning shows over breakfast this morning my son pointed out how badly this kid is going to be teased when he’s older.
Plus: it’s not like it was a model-staged cover shot. The mom’s NAME was printed and then she tweeted her son’s first name when she saw the cover!!!
How could a mother do that to her kid? Easy- it’s not about them, it’s about her!
I think a lot of this is an American thing (obviously). If we had actual paternity leave, and a better system set up for both moms and dads to parent AND work, like most European countries do, this kind of divide probably wouldn’t exist. It’s a byproduct of the youth of the country, the macho culture that still largely exists, and the inadequate healthcare system. Not to get political!
Personally, I think it’s ridiculous that every once in a while I have to ask my (very ‘Type A’ corporate) husband to “babysit” the kids. That’s right… babysit his own kids.
That sounds more like a personal relationship issue than a cultural one.
[...] the salacious title, and are going all medieval on the magazine’s ass. Blogger Jen Singer asked a good question: why does mainstream media never ask if dads are “dad [...]
BRAVO!!! I could not agree with you more on this!!! I wrote about this very topic today…differently, but still mentioning some of the same things. This would never be the headline the week of Father’s Day. Or any other week of the year, quite frankly!
http://www.thedoseofreality.com/2012/05/10/time-to-read-another-magazine/
Bravo, Jen! Love this! Great work! Yes, lets stop fueling the media induced non-existent mommy wars!
Jen, I’d like to print this post out and personally hand deliver it to certain people I know. The pressure that women face to be perfect in their homes and to the public is outrageous. As a mother of 7, if 1 of my kids has a dirt stain people are judging me. If the same kid has a stain while out with my husband, the masses sing praises: “oh, the kids were just having fun with daddy.” Sigh.
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
I think the silliest part of all the attachment parenting is the doctor advocating it is a man. If you want to raise your kids his way, that’s your choice and your right, but I’m Mom enough to make my own decisions. And when it comes to advice on the subject, I personally prefer it from women who have grown, born, and nursed babies and experienced all the hormonal and life changes that go with it.
Jen — right on! You’ve said it just right…as usual.
I appreciate the comments from dads on here- there are many many men who whole heatedly father their children every day, and th further away we all get from the silly image of an incompetent dad, the better.vcwe are all capable of doing most things relating to child care, and then we can recognize who has th magic touch for which things, whether it is moms way of putting the baby to sleep,cor dads way of humming and bouncing around, or playing or whatever. Which also makes me disagree with th comment above re: Dr. sears. He is a very connected, knowledgeable and hands on father of 6 who cooperates with his wife to raise them and support one another. Why can’t he offer parenting advice? He’s a parent. And I old venture to say a very good one who has ncouraged parents to trust their instinct and look beyond US culture’s limited and problematic approaches to ‘training’ children.
And I do think that the Time title was problematic, but I don’t think the issue is the mom who breastfeedding her 3 year old. The problem is our culture that belittles nursing beyond th minimum reconnemdation and has no concept of what much of the world does in terms of breastfeeding. So what if the child can pour himself a glass of milk? That’s not the same thing. Heck, a 1 year old can drink from. Cup, that doesn’t mean it is embarrassing and ridiculousco still nurse a 1 yr old. I don’t like the hyper focus on challenging and comparing parenting styles (french, tigers, whatever else!) but I hardly think the mom on the cover is really the issue.
I’ve been reading your comments and others on the Internet, and I think the thing that slapped moms in the face was the phrase, “Are You Mom Enough?”
Nobody does that to fathers, which made me wonder why. I think it comes down to expectations, which for much of society is still to low for fathers, who have proven themselves quite capable of parenting (despite the “Daddy Day Care” movie), and way, way too high for mothers, who are tired of it all.
Thanks for tweeting and sharing this article. As they say on The Little Rascals, Pass it On. Thanks for sharing!