First Tiger Mom. Now, I dunno, Fromage Mom? Nowadays, it appears that everyone is better at parenting than Americans are.
Just ask Pamela Druckerman, an American living in Paris, who wrote in the Wall Street Journal “Why French Parents are Superior,” an excerpt of her forthcoming book, Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting. Having witnessed French children who exhibit a level of patience she’d never seen state-side, she writes:
“Yet the French have managed to be involved with their families without becoming obsessive. They assume that even good parents aren’t at the constant service of their children, and that there is no need to feel guilty about this. ‘For me, the evenings are for the parents,’ one Parisian mother told me.”
She rails against hyper-parenting, which is what Amy Chua, a.k.a. “Tiger Mom,” the last mother to tell us American parents are doing it all wrong, is essentially all about. Just last year, she wrote, “Why Chinese Parents are Superior,” also for the Wall Street Journal. Here’s a snippet of her parenting philosophy:
“What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences.”
Now, here’s the dirty little secret about their “superior” parenting philosophies: They’re not about the kids.
The so-called French parenting method seems to make life easier for parents who want to socialize. The so-called Chinese parenting method seems to make Mom and Dad feel like they’re churning out prodigies who make them look good.
How does either method help the kids cope as adults? I really don’t know. But I do know that we are, all of us — French, Chinese, American — raising our children to leave us, and we darn well better prepare for them for that emotionally.
I overheard a conversation among (American) parents at my son’s soccer practice the other night, where one father lamented that his kids, who reportedly owned two iPods, two iTouches, a video player, Kindles…yada, yada… whined they were bored just a half-hour into their road trip to Florida.
“When we were kids, we had only trees to look at and we didn’t dare tell my father we were bored!” he declared. “We didn’t even ask to stop to go to the bathroom.”
Okay, um, that’s because you were terrified of him. How’s that working for ya now? How does your stomach feel when your father gives you that look, the one that says you have sh*t for brains, bringing you right back to the back seat of your family’s 1976 station wagon as you struggle to hold your bladder to Delaware, Maryland, Virginia, North Carolina…?
Hyper-parenting. Slow parenting. Tiger momming. The French Way. None of it really matters unless your kids have the skills to cope emotionally. Here are the basics of emotional intelligence:
Self-awareness: Can your kids recognize their own emotions and how they are affected by them?
Social awareness: Can they recognize other people’s emotions?
Managing relationships: Can they develop and maintain healthy relationships?
Managing emotions: Can they manage their emotions — and I don’t mean stuff them until they come out in a bottle of wine when they’re 40?
All the patient French children waiting for Maman’s conversation to end before speaking up and the driven Chinese kids playing the violin four hours a day in lieu of play-dates, well, that’s not superior parenting.
There is no superior parenting. Just parents preparing their kids for adulthood. If they’re lucky.
I think the goal is to raise a child that is civilized according the not only societal standards, but also to cultural (ethnic, personal, family) standards. And there is a lot of variation within that. A “good child” in one culture, does not necessarily look like a “good child” in another culture while the process toward the ultimate goal is happening.
I’ve noticed that different cultures arrive at different “mini-goals” at different ages and stages, so while a rambunctious 5yo boy in one culture is a-okay since a “crack down” happens at a later age (and that’s the expected norm within that culture), while a rambunctious 5yo boy in another is not tolerated. Some lessons come sooner or later, but (anecdote/personal opinion alert) I honestly do think they happen.
Anyway…I’m just seriously tired beyond caring what other people are doing with their parenting in comparison to mine. I ask for opinions from people whom I know and respect personally, and from all cultures. The rest is all bluster for all I know.
Teaching kids to be able to entertain themselves for more than 30 minutes is not the same as having them totally afraid of you.
The same goes for teaching them to respect boundaries. Neither of these things excludes social awareness and ability to handle relationships.
“The so-called French parenting method seems to make life easier for parents who want to socialize. How does either method help the kids cope as adults?”
Being able not to be center of attention every single moment helps you cope with the situation where you are not the center of attention. For example, when the boss in work have something to do or if your spouse talks with a friend at the party. Basically, it makes you a much more pleasant adult. Those tend to have better and longer relationships.
Anyway, there is nothing wrong with parents socializing.
Jen,
Mais, oui! You nailed this one on the head. As a parent of full grown happy and successful daughters, I can tell you that it helps to never lose site of the adults your children are going to be. Being a superior mom or dad is not the point. The “grade” doesn’t go to us. It doesn’t go to anybody. It’s really quite simple. People need to survive in a not always understanding nor tolerant world. We have to help those little people we love grow up to be big people who thrive.
God bless you, Jen Singer!
Denise,
You know I agree in creating boundaries and expecting respectful treatment. I just think that the missing element in all these “my way or the highway” parenting books and articles (which I agree are spun by the media) is a respect for our children’s emotions.
Clearly, there’s something wrong if kids with all that media can’t entertain themselves. But there’s also something wrong if a child feels he can’t speak up when he has to go to the bathroom because his father would view it as disrespecting his boundaries. Or ruining his plan to reach Virginia by lunchtime.
Your parents did a great job, and your book is a great read indeed.
Denise, you read my mind. I did read the article about French parents, and I found myself nodding my head throughout the entire thing. But the headline absolutely stinks. To me, the parents that the article describes have good boundaries and expectations of their kids. It’s not about superior parenting — it’s about that stupid Dr. Phil question: “How’s that working out for you?” I do think that kids respond well to clear messages that are repeated firmly.
My favorite part of the story was when the French mom was on the phone. She didn’t scream at her kids or beg them to stop interrupting (as I’ve heard *many* of my friends do), and she didn’t try to ignore them. She took two seconds to calmly explain what she expected. I do think this approach works — perhaps not all of the time or with every single child on the planet but more often than not.
For me, it’s not about who is the superior parent, but what techniques get everyone what they want — attention, a little freedom and a little bit of time alone.
Laura
Jen,
I’ve not read that article/excerpt yet (it’s on my growing list of stuff to check out!). But as you might know I wrote about French mamans a couple weeks ago on my blog:
http://bit.ly/A3LHU3
I agree with you that (a) we have to prepare our children to leave us (a major theme of my book); and (b) we’re all way to judge-y of ourselves as well as other mothers, which is what, I think, leads to the guilt that we’re not doing it “right.”
But I disagree that expecting respectful treatment from your children, or maintaining boundaries (such as sending kids up to bed at night so you can be YOU for a little while) are not detrimental to kids if done right, nor do they run counter to the (a) and (b) above.
You quote a guy who says his kids are bored on long car trips, whereas it wouldn’t have occurred to him to tell his parents he was bored. I had it like that, too. But I was not terrified of my dad! Far from it — he was a loving, warm, nurturing father (in fact,he’s my biggest fan). But he maintained boundaries and expected respect. And he (and of course my mother) prepared me for adulthood by design and by example (did a good job, don’t you agree?!)
Parents like mine just plain old didn’t worry about what other parents were doing. It wasn’t in the zeitgeist, it wasn’t on their radar.
(I also don’t happen to think that either Amy Chua, or perhaps this other writer, are saying they are “superior.” I happen to think that’s the way the media’s framing it, and the way we, vulnerable as we are to parenting guilt, are taking it. IMHO, as always!)
Denise
I love this!
I find it ridiculous when people generalize cultures and parenting techniques and claim superiority. One country is not better than another country when it comes to parenting. It’s down to individual families to show love to their children. If all children just felt loved, we’d all be better off.
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So true, Jen! Parenting seems to be the new dieting these days.
Now this is what I want to read!! That story really annoyed me. Thanks for posting such a terrific and insightful response.