The way he was falling – nearly perfectly prone, arms flailing, alarmed expression on his face – made him look like Wile E. Coyote. Except he wasn’t falling off a cliff. Rather, he was about to land flat on his back in the corner of the soccer field where I was coaching practice for a group of fourth grade boys. When I heard the thud of his body on the ground, I rushed over.
“Are you okay?” I asked, concerned. The fallen boy was trying hard to hold back tears, but it was clear that tripping on the soccer ball and landing flat out on the half-grass, half-dirt soccer field had hurt quite a bit. I rubbed his back, but he pulled away and hid his face in his hands.
“That had to really hurt,” I empathized. “You looked like a cartoon character falling through the air.”
I told another coach what had happened, but he dismissed it, saying, “Aw, he’s tough, right?” The boy nodded, the agony on his face betraying his response, and we resumed the soccer drill as though nothing had happened.
Boys.
I knew enough to let it go. I’d seen the very same sucking-up when I’d played street hockey with my brother and his friends in my grandparents’ driveway a few decades ago. One boy would get a hockey stick to the ear or the shin and go down, and then we’d all stand around, watching him writhe in pain, until another kid asked, “You okay, man?” The kid on the ground would get up and “shake it off,” and soon, we’d go back to playing hockey.
Generally, this was what would happen even when I played soccer with girls, except for one thing: There was more empathy to go around. A teammate would get slide-tackled from behind, and we’d gather around her as she held her injured leg and cried on the field. We’d offer her ice, assistance getting off the field, revenge – whatever she wanted. But we never expected her to suck it up unless she wanted to.
As the song says, “Big girls don’t cry,” but at least they’re allowed to. But boys? Apparently not. And it’s up to the bigger boys to get them ready for manhood by teaching them to suck it up now.
At the team’s soccer game the next day, I told the boy’s father what had happened.
“He looked like the Road Runner had just pushed him off the ledge,” I reported. He and his son both laughed, but I wondered what kind of pain the boy was really hiding – what they’re all hiding.
After the soccer game, I took my son to a deli for sandwiches. On the way out, he held the door open for a group of teenagers.
“Thank you, little man,” one of the boys said to him. And we all know, little men don’t cry.
Share, Share: Do you think it’s unfair to make boys (and men) ”suck it up”?
Originally appeared at GoodHousekeeping.com.
I think sometimes crying is the best medicine.
My husband never asks me to “suck it up” if I need a good cry after a stressful day.
And when he feels down, I think it’s just as important that I encourage him to do what he needs to do to feel better – even if it means comforting him while he has a good cry
Growing up, everyone in my family was told to “suck it up” – no matter if you were a girl or a boy – I think it made me appreciate the healing affect a good cry really can have.
I just can’t see the value of ANYONE stuffing ANY kind of feelings inside.
We lived in England when my children were young and my (then) 5-year-old daughter got a bloody nose at school and came home with a sticker that said, “I was brave.”
I explained to her that bravery when in pain is not one of our core family values. (What I really wanted was a sticker that said, “I am livid.”)
Now that my son is a 4th grader, I see so much shake-it-off messaging to boys that I can barely believe it. I get it, but it makes me sad.
Telling boys to “suck it up” teaches them to run from their feelings. What a terrible lesson, we as parents are teaching our boys! It is important for us to help kids acknowledge their feelings and help deal with them,whatever they may be. Don’t we expect our boys to grow into sensitive men? If it is not socially acceptable for them to express their feelings as boys how will they learn to be sensitive men?-(which makes a good husband!) Think about it.
Anyone with boys should read: Real Boys-Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood by William Pollack,Ph.D.
I agree: Stuffing feelings is bad for your health. We need to “sit with” all of our feelings — the good and the bad — in order to work through them, whether we have two X chromosomes or an X and a Y. Thanks for chiming in!
I feel the need to be the ‘other voice’ in this argument (though I don’t feel strongly about this topic either way)… I have a 7 yo girl and I tell her to ‘suck it up’ about once a week. WHY? because she’s in that stage of crying for attention rather than crying for any internal need. I’ve watched this child grow and I’ve learned to read her. When she’s truely scared, hurt or I can’r actually get a read on her, I comfort her and let it play out. When its obvious to me that she is seeking attention (and not positive attention), I tell her to tough it out, suck it up, or plain old get over it. I’m not going to feed her attention-seeking though crying and tears. If she want’s my attention, she knows how to get it in soo many positive ways – because we’ve talked about it.
My point is that you don’t know each child, family, or personality – so why do we judge others by the standards we keep for ourselves? Maybe that boy was really struggling, or maybe you read into his face what you thought should be there BASED ON YOUR FEELINGS. Did the boy come back to practice the next week? oh, he did huh? then I guess he’s managed to deal with his feelings enough to endure it again.
My other thought on this won’t be well received, but I’ve seen that boys and girls deal with their emotions in different ways. Girls often seek comfort from those around them while boys tend to WANT to hold those feelings in tight. Maybe this is Mars vs Venus type stuff (i.e. we are just different at a base level) or maybe it’s environmental pressure ( we encourage one and discourage the other). I’m no expert – but I am the mother of 2 children who seem well adjusted.