RADICAL PARENTING: Does Your Teen Self-Sabotage?

by Vanessa Van Petten

Self-sabotage is one of the most powerfully dangerous habits for teens to get into. There are two kinds of teen self-saboteurs:

Perfectionists: Sometimes when teenagers are high-achieving perfectionists they self-sabotage before they might fail because they are so afraid of failing. For them, ruining their own chances seems less scary than being out of control if the environment or situation gets to them. Symptoms:

Perfectionist have chronic feelings of disappointment. They also tend to focus on the negatives and ignore the positive.
These self-saboteurs truly identify with their labels and feelings of failure. They play the “I am not as ___ as ____.”

Fear of Success: Some teenagers who have very low self-esteem feel that success of any kind will either disrupt their lives (change is typically bad for those who fear success) or negatively impact their self-identity. Surprisingly, some teens are very protective of their identity as “lazy,” a “f–k-up,” or “a loser.” They also might have been called these things by people in their life, and even if they do not like them, they do not know what they would be without these labels. Success might cause disruption so they self-sabotage. Symptoms:

These fearful self-saboteurs are incredibly fearful of what might happen if they fail, which might make them feel like even more of a loser. Therefore, they become paralyzed in progress or destroy the success they have already had.
Self-saboteurs who are driven by fear are also plagued with procrastination because they fear change. This often can halt or destroy success.

How can we help teens who self-sabotage?

Help them learn to cultivate mistakes and failure.
Gently help them learn to focus on the positive. It is important for both perfectionists and fearful self-saboteurs to learn to focus on the positive more than the negative. Researchers from Oxford University in the United Kingdom found that training youth to be more positive can actually help with their anxiety. In the study, researchers attempted to train 36 teens to boost their thinking — in either a positive or negative direction — through a computer program. Those who got the positive training became more positive themselves in regard to their interpretations of the situations; the reverse was true for those who received the negative training. (Source: Child Psychiatry and Human Development.).
Never compare them to others. Many self-saboteurs have parents, teachers or siblings who have compared them in the past. Get real and make sure you never accidentally make them feel less than.
Focus on what they do not self-sabotage. There is always something that self-saboteurs keep sacred–even beating video games counts! Focus on these activities and help your teen see how fulfilling it is when they finish something successfully.

Self-sabotage is something that parents should deal with immediately if they see it in their children. Be open with your teens about it and talk to them openly about whether they need extra help if they have a fear of failure or success.

The opinions in the article aren’t necessarily those of MommaSaid, LLC. Consult a child psychologist if your child needs help.

Vanessa Van Petten is a CNN columnist, winner of the Mom’s Choice Award and an author with Penguin Books. She travels the country speaking to all types of groups about family relationships, teen lifestyles, advertising to Net-Generation and many other issues pertaining to Gen Y. She also gives keynote and inspirational speeches. She is the author of the forthcoming “Do I Get My Allowance Before or After I’m Grounded?”