It seems like yesterday he was a trick or treater in the Halloween parade. At least, I think that's him.
When I was 14, I gave my mother hell. For an entire year, I moped, I sulked, I whined and then I bought a Walkman (remember those?) and listened to REO Speedwagon (remember them?) while I stared out the car window without a word.
My brother did no such thing when he was a teenager. Instead, he slept, mainly because he grew eight inches in one year until he reached his final destination of 6 foot 2. (Not coincidentally, I didn’t provoke him as much after that.)
My firstborn is just 24 hours into his teen years and there’s no telling which way he’ll go. He’s much more like his uncle was at 13 than I was, so my money is on the sleeping thing. I’m actually hoping this is so, because there are many more ways teens can cause their parents grief these days. And though my son is a good kid and I’m confident that all the parenting my husband and I have done to date will help us all through the next seven years, it’s going to be harder to continue to be his filter than it was for my parents to be mine. Why? Because of the 3 Reasons Parenting Teens in the 21st Century Makes Me Want to Scream:
- Bypassing Parents Through Technology: If a boy wanted to get a hold of me at home, he’d have to call and talk first to my father, who answered the phone with a bark, as though you were annoying simply for thinking of starting a conversation with anyone in our house. It was kind of frightening, even to me. Nowadays, kids can bypass the scary dad or nosy mom by texting or IMing, effectively throwing out the Middle Mom or Dad in the exchange.
- Sexting:While I’m certain my parents probably don’t want to know what went on on stage at the Billy Idol concert at the Passaic Theater in 1984, at least none of my classmates ever shared naked photos of themselves with me, largely because that would have required getting film developed at the local Walgreen’s, who would notify the authorities. But today’s teens — young ones barely old enough to get into Rated PG-13 movies — are sending each other photos of various naked body parts or the Full Monty. And what 13-year-old boy doesn’t dream of having his own collection of boob photos?
- Teen Girls Can Be Predatory: It used to be that girls were the gatekeepers of all things sexual, but today, not so much. Case in point: Recently, a group of girls tried to lure my son’s classmate to the movies, telling him that other boys would be there. Turns out, they wanted him all to themselves — no other boys allowed. Luckily, his mother intercepted the text invitation and called other mothers to vet the information. I warned my son: “Some girls are like cats [or maybe “hyenas“], and you’re the mouse. Let’s make sure they don’t rip your tail off and kick you around the kitchen floor.” These days, boys need to be taught defense, lest they wind up with an STD and/or a baby before they leave high school or compromising photos of him posted on Facebook, where his mother hangs out.
My teenager is one of the few kids in his grade without a cell phone. So far he neither needs it, nor wants it, but that will change soon enough. He has no interest in Facebook (see: Hangs Out, Mom), and as far as I know, no catlike girls have eyed up his tail. But it’s early – he’s only been 13 since yesterday. I know I’ll have to be extra diligent and I’ll have to create rules my parents never had to think about for things they never had to think about, like privacy filters, webcams and collections of classmates’ boob photos.
But I got 100% correct on this teen slang questionnaire, and there’s no shortage of advice for parenting teens on the Internet. So I’ll take a deep breath and take it as it comes while I secretly hope he’ll sleep through his teens.
Got teens? Check out our Radical Parenting blog by Vanessa Van Petten, author of “You’re Grounded” and creator of the iCurfew app for the iPhone, and our Buzz on the Birds and Bees blog by Dr. Melanie Davis.
Share, share, that’s fair: Is parenting teens really harder these days? Share your warnings and your well wishes.
Mom to a 13-year-old here – and I think it is harder these days; mostly because I was a perfectly behaved teen, myself :). Mine has a cellphone (as do all her friends with divorced parents) but I like it – I can always reach her. She knows the days she doesn’t pick up or text me back her cell phone days are over! She lived on Facebook – but we had rules around that – 1) a locked account 2) I was her friend (I had to check every day and BOY were her conversations boring) and 3) she had to use her real name — So many kids use pseudonyms on email, Facebook etc., and I think that leads to saying things they might not otherwise say (like mean things). She recently deactivated her account because she said people were starting to get mean. Within 2 weeks a note came home from school urging parents to monitor their kids – I was so glad she was off! Interestingly, it wasn’t just mean girls — boys had also done some really mean stuff (posting of a mean picture)…
My big teen challenge? Mine walks down the stairs in the morning and I wonder – nice girl who thinks I’m the most wonderful mother in the world? or that other 13-year-old who is mortified by my every utterance? The other day, the supermarket bag boy said “Have a nice day” and I said “thanks, you too” and she acted like I was standing there naked.
Hi, Jen. Welcome to my teen sharing world! One of each – a real eye-opener. Girls…mean to each other. Boys…at mine’s age, still happy to play football during break times. My daughter, now nearly 15, has no Facebook or blog, no iTouch or any piece of fruit with apps. I’m still brave enough to know that she’s got quite enough on her plate as it is with all the other stuff going on, like homework, playing guitar and singing, moodswings, crushes, and blaming her mum for everything.
It doesn’t seem like yesterday when your blog had thre pages and our kids loved Santa… I’m so grateful you’re healthy, happy and thriving!
[…] at Mommasaid.net, my friend and colleague Jen Singer lists some of the reasons parenting teens is harder now than it used to be (exhibit A: sexting. […]
Wait until he gets a facebook page. I’m just crossing my fingers and hoping my teen will turn out okay. There are so many things that are not in our control.
And, yes, boys have it way too easy these days when it comes to dating. In the old days, there wasn’t even voicemail. The boy had to call your home and say “Hello Mrs. Persnicki. This is Alan. May I please speak to Jessica?” Having to do that surely took the kind of spine that isn’t needed with texting and stuff.
Sigh. I never thought I’d become a curmudgeon.
Wow. You have just earned my incredible admiration for not giving your son a cell phone. When they got to be $15, I gave my daughter one in..fifth grade? How I regret that now. That didn’t have a camera and they weren’t texting as much as they are just three years later, but you can’t get this stuff back into Pandora’s box…
And, btw, she is taking after you in her teen years. I don’t remember as much sullenness, but I’ll bet my own mom could correct my memory…
Hi Jen,
Funny my book proposal chapter is all about helping Moms navigate her teenage daughters relationship to technology. Yes it’s very different from when we were growing up Jen. Moms and Dads need to know all the ins and outs, the jargon, have chips and safety computer software installed in the family computer and have their fingers on the pulses of their tween and teenage children.
Sexting is becoming so much more common place. Lots of teens unfortunately think nothing of it. That’s where amd when we come in. We need to educate our younger kids 10-13 about if it feels even mildly uncomfortable let me know and don’t do it!!! If you can’t say it face to face than don’t IM it, e-mail or text it.
Girls can be a bit much here as well. They get a bit hormonal, as do some males as well and can be a bit possessive, clingy, demanding, secretive and deceptive.
Remember your blog about being a Super Mom, well we need to be SUPER AWARE of what our kids are doing, expect accountability and provide reasonable limits and boundaries for their own good.
Please make mention of my blog as a resoursce for Moms of Tweens and Teenage daughters at http://www.askarden.com
Thanks dear.
Arden