In honor of MommaSaid’s 7th birthday (and also because I’ll be in Kansas City, Kansas City, here I come), I’m posting some classic MommaSaid from the days before Twitter and Facebook. Enjoy.
We are pleased to offer our guide to making your life easier, providing calculated predictions and forecasts about your children’s behavior, from sunny to surly, and warm to wild. From its humble beginnings back in 1808, the Mom’s Almanac has been outfitting mothers with the kind of information they need to get through their days (and months) with children underfoot.
General Mothering Outlook for January
1st-3rd: Unsettled, with gusty temper tantrums blowing in just when you thought you were going to make it through that fancy gift shop – the one with the disapproving old ladies staring you down.
4th-7th: Mild and quiet, until you discover that the kids have been busy finger-painting your white cat orange, “just like Garfield, Mommy!”
8th-12th: Pleasant, especially after your little one rediscovers her dollhouse, playing with it long enough for you not only to shower, but even to condition your hair – for the first time since the 20th century.
14th-15th: Hot, when your mom takes the kids for the weekend, giving you and Hubby much needed time alone without someone in feety pajamas sleeping between you.
16th-19th: Mostly fair, except for the part where your kids get to nap, one after the other, while you struggle to stay awake until dinnertime.
20th-21st: Mixed, when somebody wants dessert but doesn’t want to eat her carrots first, followed by clearing, when you realize there are carrots in the cake, anyhow.
22nd: Changeable, because the child you call “Private Poopy Pants” will be very, very uh, productive, during your niece’s piano recital.
23rd-25th: Unseasonably mild, largely because Junior will be sucking up to you for that talking toy – the one with 236 pieces – that he wants for his birthday.
26th-28th: Unsettled, as the stomach flu rips through the house, starting with the baby and moving through the family to you – just in time for everyone else to relapse.
29th-31st: Tranquil, because everyone will finally be sleeping through the night, including you, the new puppy (What were you thinking?) and the offspring in the feety PJ’s next to you.