GUEST POST:
by Karen Bannan
At the Long Island Children’s Museum over the holidays, my friend and I ran into an old friend of hers who has a nine-month-old and a three-year-old. The friend of a friend asked me how my big girl liked becoming a big sister. She wanted to know, she said pointing to her own big girl, because, “she’s just terrible.”
I was about to explain that I went through a period just like that, but she kept talking. “Yes, she’s really not listening, and I don’t know what to do. We tried spanking her, but it doesn’t seem to work…” She was still talking, but I didn’t hear anything past the phrase, “We tried spanking her.” I looked down at her daughter, a tiny little thing, and had to will myself not to be judgmental.
Spanking is one of those polarizing topics. Either you do it, or you don’t. There’s no in between. And if you do it, you usually feel very strongly about it. And if you don’t, you probably have your reasons.
I grew up with a single mom after my dad died when I was little. She worked a lot. Money was tight. When things got stressful (and they got stressful a lot) and we misbehaved, my mom hit us the same way that my grandmother hit her when she was a little girl. No, we weren’t getting punched or kicked. More like hit with the shoe, hit with the big wooden spoon, hit with the slipper.
I can vividly remember being hit with the handset of one of those old-fashioned rotary phones because I was sneaking out of bed to call my cousin. That one hurt a lot. I also got my hair pulled and I got smacked.
When I was a teenager, my mom was so mad at me one day that at me she picked me up by my hair and banged my head against the wall. But back then, even that wasn’t something that would be considered wrong or bad. There was no stigma attached. It was acceptable, and my mom did it whenever she thought we needed it — in front of people, on the front lawn, at the store. All the adults in the neighborhood did it. One time my uncle even hit me because I was misbehaving with my cousin.
Me, I can’t do it. I just can’t. I smacked Katelyn’s butt once, and I instantly felt like I wanted to die. Here she is, this little, tiny girl. Here I am this big adult. My hand completely covered her behind. She weighed, at the time, a quarter of what I weighed. She wasn’t allowed to hit back. She just had to stand there and take a smack because of something — whatever it was, maybe she didn’t listen, maybe she was fresh?
How is that a fair fight? How is that teaching her right from wrong? How is that going to build trust between us? How can I, as a mother, tell her never to let anyone lay a hand on her if I am doing exactly what I am saying is wrong? And how can I tell her not to hit other children if hitting is okay in our house?
I know lots of people say that spanking is a solid disciplinary tool. And that it’s the only thing that kids respond to. Me, I say that’s a load of crap. I’d say those people were taking the easy way out, but I can’t even own that statement because, at least for me, it was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I think, like my mom, a lot of parents are acting out of frustration and anger. They lose their temper. And once they do it once, and they see the look of fear in a child’s eye, they think it’s a good idea.
After I smacked Katelyn, I took her in my arms and apologized. I told her that it’s not okay to hit, and that I was wrong and very, very sorry. And that it would never happen again. I told her sometimes grownups make mistakes, too, but that I learned my lesson. Since then we use time-outs and taking things away instead of smacks and spanking. It’s working out pretty well.
My heart honestly goes out to that woman we met at the Children’s Museum and to any other adult who spanks. I think, if they think about it,that it’s actually hurting them as much as it’s hurting their kids.
Let the comments fly. Why am I right? Why am I wrong? How do you feel about the issue.
Karen J. Bannan is a writer, editor, and blogger. Her work has appeared in more than 100 publications including Parents, The New York Times, Time Magazine, and Forbes, among others. She covers parenting, technology, business, and marketing, and her blog, NaturalAsPossibleMom.com, examines all of the above through a green prism.
I can see many points of this subject. I myself have chosen to not spank my child but that is beacause when I was a young girl and I was abused by a parent and was told once by a therapist that an abused person is more likely to become an abuser than someone whom was not abused. I know I would never hurt my child like but that statement lingers in my mind and I do not spank him or allow others to spank him. With that being said I am not saying there are not times where he has needed a spanking, I just don’t use it as a general form of punishment. When he was younger than he is now he used to slap or bite me for no reason whatsoever. He slapped me in the mouth so hard that he broke my lip open. I slapped him back and he has never slapped me again. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done but I also feel he learned a good lesson from that…. And so noone gets the wrong impression I did not break his lip open I only slapped him enough for him to know i mean business but not enough to hurt him
First of all, I don’t think what you went through was spanking. I think it was abuse. Hair-pulling, banging heads against the wall, etc. is not spanking in my book.
The spanking issue is certainly a polarizing one, but you can’t assume that every parent that spanks is doing so out of anger or because they’ve lost control. It is certainly not my first choice as a disciplinary tool, but it’s the “nuclear option” I intend to have at my disposal if nothing else has worked. I have friends that spank their children and I was spanked as a child. I can honestly say that my parents didn’t spank me out of anger – they allowed themselves to cool off and allowed us to give our actions some thought before we were spanked. I know I deserved them when I got them, and I knew my parents meant what they said when they told us not to do something. Interestingly enough, I don’t remember getting many spankings in my life – a handful, probably.
I think you’re making a lot of unfair assumptions about people that spank based on your own personal experience. Characterizing people who spank as people who enjoy the “look of fear” in their child’s eye and are deserving of your pity is a bit arrogant, in my opinion. It might not be the discipline choice you’ve made, but don’t paint everyone with such a broad brush.
Rebecca,
I don’t think you ever threaten with a spanking. Taking away a favorite toy, having to spend time alone in the bedroom, an earlier bedtime, no bedtime book, not being able to go to a favorite event or class are all better things to threaten with. (And all things I have used.)
As for deciding not to spank: I think telling a child that you decided you’re not going to spank anymore shows a child that it’s okay to make a mistake, you’re a big enough person to admit it, and that you’re willing to make a change. It’s never too late to stop spanking.
That said, I understand how frustrating it can be when they don’t listen. It drives you crazy. But I’d rather give myself a time out than giving them a smack because it’s their behavior that’s annoying me. They are just trying to set and test limits, learn about the world, and have a good time.
Thanks for reading! –KB
I’m not too sure about this spanking issue. Because what if you’ve already tried everything else and nothing else works and the smack is a last resort and it is not done in anger but as a calculated move? I mean you warn your child beforehand that if she disobeys from now on, after she’s confirmed to you that she will not repeat the misbehaviour, and when she disobeys a specific request, a spanking will be next. It’s quite problematic really because once you’ve given one spanking how can you then turn round to your child and give teh rule, “We don’t hit back, OK?” This is another parenting dilemma to me. I am of the opinion that spanking should be a last resort, when everything else fails or not at all and it should never be done due to frustration or anger.
My mom wasn’t an abusive parent. When she hit me with a shoe it was on my behind, no place else. The hair instance was an extreme case. Yes, I would agree that it was absolutely over the top. I probably remember it because it was so extreme.
But I still say that all spanking is wrong.
Karen, the examples of spanking from your childhood – getting hit with a shoe and a phone, getting picked up by your hair and having your head knocked into the wall – sound more like abuse. as a non-parent, I haven’t given it much thought, but looking back at the handful of spankings I received as a child (open hand on the butt), I can remember every button-pushing, drive-mom-over-the-edge misbehavior that preceded it. and I remember thinking long and hard before pushing that particular button again. I’m not saying that time-outs wouldn’t have been just as effective, but I think you’ve set up a bit of an apples-to-oranges argument.
Thanks so much for reading, Stephanie. I appreciate it, and your kind words!
Bravo. I have thought these words many times, and I have a lump in my throat after reading yours. I have only “spanked” (even the word sounds too cute for what it is) my son once, and I never did it again. I was also hit across the face about once a week (can’t remember what I did, but I sure remember the consequence). I am sickened at the thought of spanking and am glad you had the courage to print this. I will share wherever I can!
Stephanie Goddard
Raleigh NC